who knows me knows that I love a good snack. The more offbeat or disgusting the
snack is, the more that I like it. I was a fan of dill-pickle potato chips long
before they went mainstream. I've eaten dried whole miniature clams from Japan.
I've been known to polish off an entire can of anchovies in a single sitting.
And I once ate so many raw habanero peppers that I peed blood for two days.
are very few things I won't eat. I'll polish off a sack of White Castles during
an episode of Jerry Springer and then eat raw oysters an hour later. So when I state
that I've found the most disgusting snack item ever, please regard this with
the seriousness that you would an Amber Alert or a tsunami warning.
snack in question has the curious title of Doritos Late Night: All-Nighter
Cheeseburger tortilla chips. It's a snack so disturbing and horrifying that I
still have nightmare flashbacks of the two occasions I've eaten them. If
there's a buffet table in the waiting room for Hell, a bowl of these chips are
surely there, alongside cans of warm sauerkraut juice and licorice Good 'n'
Plenty, the candy for which neither adjective in its title is true.
you like the taste of a freshly-grilled hamburger, covered in mustard and
onions? Sure you do. Do you want that same delicious summer treat turned into
powder and sprayed all over a Doritos chip? Hell no, you don't, to quote John
had steak-flavored potato chips in the past and am a big fan of
mustard-flavored pretzels, but the good people of Frito-Lay have created a
Frankenstein snack if there ever was one. After eating one of these chips, I
was intrigued, if a bit puzzled. After three of them, I was starting to sense
I'd made a huge mistake. And after a dozen, I wanted to gargle with Liquid Drano
and never eat again.
throwing 500 beef bouillon cubes and 50 pounds of Kingsford charcoal in a vat,
then grinding them up with a few gallons of stale mustard, artificial onion
flavor and 400 jars of pickles. Then imagine John Madden and Barbara Walters
throwing up into the vat.
what these chips taste like.
impossible to overstate just how horrific these chips are and just as difficult
to isolate which individual component is the most disgusting. Is it the
overpowering flavor of charcoal? The decayed tang of the dill flavoring? The
in-your-face flavor of the mustard? Or is it the fact that the chips are an
extremely unappetizing shade of brown?
hard to say. All I know is that I ate a handful of these chips, put them aside
and tried them again a few days later just to be certain. They were even worse
the second time. Worse still, there was nothing that could get the taste of
decayed human flesh out of my mouth. Water, juice and Coke all had no effect.
Even after I brushed my teeth so hard that my gums bled, I could still taste
the fake smoke flavor permeating through my sinuses and lungs. I wanted to die.
immediate thought was that the Bush Administration had developed these chips as
a form of torture for suspected terrorists being detained at Guantanamo Bay.
Then I realized that even Dick Cheney would be afraid of being put on trial as
a war criminal if he authorized the distribution of these demonic
snacks. I did some research on the Internet about these chips. Apparently
they were test-marketed as a "mystery flavor," X-13D. Acontest was held to see who could
identify the taste. Since "Madden Vomit Beef with Charcoal and Mustard
Chips" was apparently too many characters to fit on a 10.5-oz.bag,
"All-Nighter Cheeseburger" won out.
more shocking is that my colleagues in the business of snack-food journalism
appear to like these things. Taquitos.net, the Wikipedia of snack food, deemed
them "quite good." Another blogger said they were "insanely
addictive." Once again, the mainstream media has gotten it all wrong.
you have any respect at all for your taste buds, your reputation and your lower
intestinal tract, stay away from these chips. You'd be better off eating
chocolate-dipped pork rinds or chicken-fried ox's gizzard than All-Nighter
Cheeseburger Dorito Chips.
New Coke, indoor soccer and the political career of Sarah Palin, these chips
are a horrible, horrible mistake that should never have left the concept stage.
Trust me on this one.