This is it. 2012. It's the year
that the world will finally, mercifully, come to an end if you believe the Mayan calendar
calendar. It's also the year I've been waiting for my entire life.
How unlike history it would be if it came to an end, but I'm
willing to play along with the idea. People have been predicting the end of the
world for thousands of years and who's to say that they're wrong this time? Not
me, Jack. I'm counting down the days to Dec. 21, 2012, when the ancient
prophecies claim the end will come. There are 359 days between when this column
appears and then, and I'm planning on making the most of them.
The fun thing about the apocalypse
apocalypseis that it gives you an excuse to do whatever you want with no
repercussions. So feel free to ruin your credit rating, commit insurance fraud,
take that trip to Spain or Hawaii. Go on and have that extra piece of cake or
that affair with your coworker. It's the end of the world; what else do you
have to do?
If it is really the end of days, there are some things you'd
be well-suited to keep in mind.
You'd never be able to stock enough guns, food or gold to
survive the rest of your life. To think otherwise is self-delusional. You'll
eventually run out. You're better off looting the pharmacy or liquor store
before society breaks down completely so at least you'd be able to leave the
earthly plane with a good buzz
I hate to say it, but you are seriously screwed, so you may
as well give up any idea of emerging from your bunker ready to assume
leadership of the world. Either you will be dead or you will be a few weeks
from starvation, so you may as well make yourself as comfortable as possible.
There will be no cell phone reception, or, for that matter,
electricity. So you might want to invest in some solar-powered chargers so you
can at least play Angry Birds or listen to your iPod while you wait to die.
There are some basic things every
person should know before leaving this mortal plane.
Truthfully, most of the really
good songs that The Beatles
Beatleswrote are on 1, their
greatest-hits album, but so are a few of their absolute worst tunes. The world
could have survived just fine if they'd never recorded "From Me to You," "Hey
Jude" or "Yellow Submarine" but maybe not "We Can Work It Out" or "Here Comes The
Lennonwasn't kidding when he sang "The way things are going, they're going
to crucify me." He was proven right about 10 years later when Mark David
Chapman killed him offering only The
Catcher in the Rye as his statement of motive.
No matter what you thought of Barack Obama, he really was an
honest man who did the best he could, given the hand he was dealt. Unlike many
of his predecessors, he committed no felonies while in office and told the
truth as much as possible. If the world really does disappear in December, he
would have been as good a president as we deserved.
Fox News lied to you. Hamburger Helper doesn't live up to
its name. Stephen King was a pretty good writer; certainly he was better than
his worst detractors would have had you believe. White Castles were a pretty
good value. Big business in all its forms really was evil.
George W. Bush
W. Bushreally did steal that election but 9/11 wasn't a conspiracy, nor
were Pearl Harbor or the JFK assassination. Sometimes things just happen and
they don't make any sense except to the people who do them and maybe not even
If the Mayans were correct, you have less than a year to
exist. You'd better make it a year to remember. Don't waste a minute of it. Eat
good food, hug the ones you love, encourage and comfort the people who need it
most. Forgive any family members with whom you have any grievances, whether or
not they're justified,
Most of all, live your life to the fullest extent possible.
Don't waste an hour or day. Even if the world doesn't end in 2012, you'll still
feel better if you do those things. Possess as few regrets as possible and
you'll be happier, by and large.
Whatever 2012 has in store, here's to a happy and prosperous
new year. And, as always, thanks for reading this column and for reading NUVO, the one newspaper
that will always believe in people like you and me.