"Lard-filled cookie’s integrity under attack

It’s hard to find a consensus on anything these days, but ask any obese person in the United States and they’ll tell you that the Oreo cookie is one of our country’s greatest treasures.

Whether you like to dismantle them and scrape off the yummy filling with your teeth, or you’re a traditionalist who prefers to eat the cookie as a single entity, the Oreo has been a favorite of future diabetics and compulsive overeaters since it was introduced in 1912.

The introduction of the Double Stuf Oreo in 1975 was a long-overdue innovation and allowed ingenious consumers to create their own Quadruple Stufs by combining two Double Stufs. Government experiments involving Octuble Stufs and 16 Stufs have long been rumored but denied by official sources as paranoid conspiracy theories.

Oreo is an American success story in every sense of the word. Wikipedia calls it the most-consumed cookie of the 20th century. And the fact that the Oreo is an almost-exact copy of the now-defunct Hydrox, a cookie introduced years before the Oreo, makes it even more American. What’s more American than stealing someone else’s idea and making money off it?

There’s no doubt that everyone loves Oreos. But there’s an alarming new concoction that threatens the status of the Oreo and, by extension, the very existence of the planet itself.

It’s the Domino’s Oreo Dessert Pizza, currently being promoted with saturation advertising during NFL games. It’s a thin-crusted pie consisting of crumbled Oreos and a white sauce of mysterious origins that is drizzled over the mixture. In the ads, it looks like something Jerry Garcia might have created on the bus during a Grateful Dead tour in the 1970s.

While I haven’t had the chance to sample an Oreo Dessert Pizza yet, the pizza blog Slice describes it as one of the worst things they’ve ever tasted. The video of the bloggers eating the thing shows them doing so with disgust. And, remember, these are people who spend their time eating pizza and writing about it.

This is an alarming development. Like a cheap whore, the venerable Oreo has been pimped out time and again by Nabisco to serve their monetary needs. Wikipedia lists dozens of variants of the Oreo, and that’s not even counting its use by Dairy Queen and other ice cream makers.

The Oreo is the rare product that needs no improvement. Yet we are bombarded with so-called innovations like the Oreo Cakester, which is basically a low-rent version of the Hostess Ding Dong, and the blasphemous Oreo 100 Calorie Packs, which are octagonal-shaped Oreos that don’t even have any filling.

I submit to you that an Oreo without filling is like a mother without her child. It is like a parade with no marching bands. It is like a George Bush speech without lies. It is an entity whose contradictions cause it to collapse in upon itself, because it defies the natural laws governing the universe.

If this is progress, then I want no part of it, thank you very much.

Oreos are not meant to be baked into pies or cakes. They are not meant to be blended into milkshakes or soufflés. They are not ingredients. They are cookies. Cookies whose sole purpose is to provide maximum pleasure, minimal nutrients and an unnaturally high calorie count.

Altering the purpose of the Oreo goes against everything that is right and just. Just eat them as they are. Break them into their constituent parts if you must. But don’t try and give me an Oreo milkshake or an Oreo pie, Jack, because you’ll get it handed right back to you.

Congress should convene in an emergency session to preserve the sanctity of our beloved Oreo. If we allow the Oreo to be desecrated in this fashion, what’s next? Oreo underwear? Oreos filled with tofu? The possibilities are endless.

Stand up for America. Stand up for the idea that a suet-filled cookie should be left the way God created it and the way that Nabisco stole it. If Oreos continue to mutate, the food terrorists will have won.

This, my friends, should not, must not, happen. Save the Oreo!