"Still monitoring all information

Over at my compound, I’m still monitoring all the feeds as they come in to my command-and-control room.

I’m paying the most attention to Paul Harvey’s morning newscast. A quick Google search tells me he was born in 1918 and has been in broadcasting since 1933. He’s doing a commercial for the Bose II radio. I think he’s tired. That radio produces such wonderful music, “It sounds as it’s going to sound in heaven,” he says, seemingly welcoming the grave.

He’s not the only one. There seems to be a lot of fatalism in the air these days, enough to make you think the next hot real-estate market will be in cemetery plots.

Bill Clinton’s on Fox News, screaming that he tried to kill bin Laden, goddamn it.

The president is over at the United Nations, unveiling the new fall season of people he plans on killing.

Halloween can’t come fast enough this year for me. Neither can the apocalypse, for that matter. Either one is fine with me.

I always tell people, “I get my morals from my president.” This has always been the case. When George H.W. Bush was in office, I was doing a lot of public vomiting, just like him.

When Clinton was president, I was messing around with as many women as I could and giving evasive answers about it whenever questioned on the topic.

Since George W. Bush has been president, I’ve wanted to stamp out all my enemies, both real and imagined.

I think a lot of people feel the same way and so I’m not surprised that the homicide rate in the city has been skyrocketing.

If the last 30 years have taught us anything, it’s that might makes right. Nonviolence is as outdated as disco suits. If Mahatma Gandhi showed up on Monument Circle, someone would jack him for his turban within 15 minutes, I’m sure of that.

Why embrace nonviolence and passive resistance when it’s proven to be such an ineffective catalyst for social change? Sure, you have moral superiority and all of that on your side, but that doesn’t bring home the bacon these days.

And in such a culture of violence and fear as what we’ve had the last five years, those of us who don’t want to stockpile weapons need to arm ourselves with as much information as we can.

This is the time to do all the reading that you’ve been putting off, and time to start following the news again. On a personal level, this is the time to be as aware of your surroundings as you can.

Keep your head low, because the person walking behind you could be a mugger. Don’t honk your horn in anger, ever, let alone chase someone in your car. There are calls on the police scanner all the time about people who’ve done that and then gotten their asses kicked.

And listen to everything you can, especially from our leaders and the world’s leaders. C-SPAN is the world’s best TV network because that’s all it is, influential people talking about what they’re going to do to us next.

Last week’s United Nations meeting was like Woodstock for C-SPAN and the Internet news video feeds I buy. Presidents and prime ministers were talking morning, noon and night.

It was pretty funny that the president of Iran gave a more moderate and reasonable-sounding speech than our own president did.

But when it comes to shit-talking, no one can top Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. He is the Michael Jordan or Babe Ruth of shit-talking.

When he said that Bush was the devil, and that it still stank of Satan at the podium, I busted a gut laughing. Like him or not, you have to admit it takes balls to travel to another country and trash their president on live TV.

Don’t get me wrong, though; I’m a patriotic American. I believe that Chavez was absolutely wrong when he said that Bush is the devil. Chavez should not have said that.

Everything I’ve ever read says the devil, if he or she exists, is a very intelligent and crafty individual, capable of amazing feats. That’s nothing like our president, and I resent Chavez saying otherwise.

Haven’t you ever heard that Satan appears as a man of peace? That’s not our Georgie. He’s an advocate of full-scale war everywhere, home and abroad, on Earth and in space. There’s just no way Bush is the devil.

Now, you could make a case, as some have, that Bush is much more like David Koresh than he is the devil. You’ll remember that Koresh had a ranch in Texas, just like the president. He claimed to talk directly with God, too. The people who followed Koresh did so even when he was proven wrong, just like the neocons of today.

When you have a cult leader as a president, you’ve got to protect yourself any way you can. Take care of yourself and your family. We’re in for some interesting days ahead, and I plan to be monitoring it all, every entertaining minute of it, from the peace and safety of my command-and-control center, in the heart of the city, where all the action happens.




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