"Hey, if drawing down troops in Iraq, promising to close secret torture prisons and not being George Bush doesn't qualify one as a peacemaker, nothing does." (Hammer, "A list of confusion," Oct. 14) Um...have we withdrawn from Iraq? No. We are being told that the plan is to begin withdrawing from Iraq and begin sending more troops to Afghanistan, so this horseshit about "drawing down troops in Iraq" being a symbol of peace is utterly bogus. Is Guantanamo closed? Nope. Still live 'n kickin'. More empty campaign rhetoric.

The reaction of incredulity was not just from conservatives, but plenty of independents, Democrats...hell, even Obama himself seemed utterly shocked. Do you supposed he's just that humble? He knows it was a joke that now has people scratching their heads and asking, "Why did he win it again?" to which people with your logic respond, "Uh...cause he talked about peace! Yeah! And cuz...cuz he made promises about peace! Yeah! (stutter, drool, drool, stutter) So apparently talk and promises are the new action...yeah. Could you be a little more specific about why you think Obama deserved it? Don't feel too bad if you can't. The Nobel Committee couldn't.

"Now it seems like we go straight from 90-degree days to 45-degree days with no transition period." Hmmm...sure sounds like "global warming" to me. Quick! Jack up everyone's gas prices! Idiot.

"Why did the Indiana Fever lose the WNBA championship?"

Pride cometh before a fall.

"Why do some people fart when they walk?"

So hack writers will have something mildly amusing with which to interpolate their otherwise boring and trite ramblings.

"Why isn't NBC's comedy Parks and Recreation a big hit?"

Kudos to you for not watching network television. It truly fries your brain. But therein lies your answer: If you don't normally watch network TV, it will be difficult for you to understand why a certain show's ratings are or are not doing well. But the short answer is that Amy Poehler is quite simply not funny.

"Why are there no pens in my house?"

I'll bet you smoke more when you buy them by the carton, don't you?

It is precisely because you are "always buying large bags of pens" that your pens are often in short supply - you take for granted that they'll be around and don't fully appreciate their usefulness until you really need one and can't find any. The solution is simple: Spend good money on a quality pen that you would be loath to lose. You may lose the first one. Even the second one. But even a simple schmuck like you doesn't like throwing away hundreds of dollars on a regular basis for no good reason. If you like, I will buy you a really nice pen for Christmas and send it to you...after you've lost a couple of nice ones of your own and learned your lesson.

"I like my coffee like I like my women — strong and black."

You are such a racist ignoranus. And so not funny.

"But if I did want to dairy it down, I'd use actual milk instead of non-dairy powder."

Sadly, actual milk has not always been readily available to everyone whenever they want it; in the military for instance, or perhaps someone who is on a very tight budget. In such cases, the artificial crap is sometimes luckily (if they prefer to lighten their coffee) available to them. I am certain that over a long enough period of time just about anyone can acquire a taste for just about anything. Why does it not surprise me that something so simple and self explanatory confounds you?

"The list goes on and on, as I said. Maybe I'm just crazy, but I don't understand why some people do the things they do. I probably never will."

It's okay, Hammo. I don't understand how you keep your job, but then again I don't understand why anyone would hire someone whose writing amounts to Michael Moore's obtuseness commingled with Andy Rooney's comedic timing in the first place.

S. Michael Simms



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