Oh hi there, fellow unorganized terrible parents of toddlers, how was your morning today?? Filled with utter chaos and mayhem because getting toddlers awake/fed/dressed/out the door for school on time is the most exhausting and infuriating thing ever?? Hahaha, OF COURSE IT WAS!! It always is — because getting toddlers awake/fed/dressed/out the door for school on time is inherently awful and impossible. Toddlers, after all, have no taste for listening to instructions and/or not wandering around aimlessly like Roombas. Does this mean you should Adrian-Peterson the shit out your kids with a tree branch? NO YOU SHOULD NOT DO THAT, EVER!! Instead, follow these super-great tips I've devised that will help ease the crushing stress of it all! (JK! These tips will not ease the stress of anything, they are useless.) De nada.
1. Set out your toddlers’ clothes the night before. Sure, preparing for bedtime is itself a series of endless, panicky HELLFIRES that drag on for centuries and push you to your physical and emotional limit, but so what!! Set aside some extra time that you don’t have in order to physically collect and arrange tomorrow morning’s outfits that your kids won’t like/wear anyway! That’s not called “workin’ hard” … that’s called “workin’ SMART!”
2. Just keep saying, over and over and over again, HURRY UP YOU’RE GOING TO BE LATE! Toddlers love nothing more than to just aimlessly dawdle around all morning, all grumpy and indecisive and flighty, not really asleep and not really awake. Sometimes they’d rather just color or play Wii or do a whole host of things that do not make sense. No matter! Just keep repeating yourself — kids react well to that sort of stuff. On the 48,000th or 49,000th time, they sort of tend to get going, almost! STICK-TO-ITIVENESS!!
3. Get up early and make the Eggos. Have them ready. Because toddlers always want chicken nuggets or fajitas or some other weird shit for breakfast, and if you don’t have those Eggo’s at the ready, hoooooo boy LOOK OUT! The Eggos will placate their pouty disgust that they’re not being served meatballs or whatever. Also! It will take them 9 years to eat those two Eggos at the pace they’re going, so be sure to keep anxiously urging them to hurry up.
4. Focus on the positives! Sometimes (read: always) kids just freeze and start crying when you mentally break down & explain to them how they are murdering daddy’s spirit with their sluggardness. Mix in some encouraging words every so often! Oh hey look at that! You didn’t go outside & puncture my tires with a knife, THUMBS UP, SPORT!
5. Throw whatever’s handy into their lunch box. Asking them what they want for lunch is just ASKING FOR TROUBLE, YOU GUYS. You are already engulfed in pure pandemonium and rage and also working under a strict deadline, just throw in a glob of last night’s Camembert cheese that was left out on the counter and maybe some M&M’s and call it a day. We’re looking for speed here, Martha Stewart — not culinary perfection and/or not getting scurvy.
(Whoops now you’re already late and nobody has their shoes on yet or even any clothes, how did that happen? Is it time to panic? Nope! Not yet!)
6. Just give up and sit on the couch and pretend you don’t care if they’re late. After all, it’s their futures they’re ruining, not yours. Explain THAT to them! They will totally get it and then it will dawn on them that they need to be punctual and that usually lights a fire under them, possibly, on some rare occasions that I’ve not yet seen! Hahaha, no, you cannot sit there for long — now you’re crazy-late and their teachers are outwardly judging your parenting, so hurry up and frantically dress them yourselves, through sheer force, there is no time to waste!! That panicked, guilt-ridden, high-speed drive to the school won’t drive itself!!