Hi there gang, good afternoon and so forth — no time for chit chat, let us cut to the chase of this #BALLGHAZI!!!1!! scandal:
It is not a scandal. It’s not even a brouhaha. Or shenanigans. (It *might* rise to the level of shenanigans, we'll let History decide. But it's nothing more.) No, it is dumb and not worthy of the 600 billion words being howl-written on it right now.
Now, keep in mind, I very much think the Patriots' players and coaches and shit-head fans are terrible, mindless, bro-drones who should all be shoved down a well. But not for this. Literally for everything except this. This is nothing. This is the product of an NFL off-week when everyone’s rage tanks are running low and we, as a nation, are woefully, deathly, State-of-the-Union-Address bored. I know I am!
Of course, I cannot speak to the ways of football men who do football things because I have never played football. But I can speak to the ways of athletes, I think, seeing as how I once was one 78 years ago before my hip and knee joints rotted into worthless sacks of Funyun crumbs. Specifically, back then, I played NCAA basketball — which is basically the lush, fertile Mesopotamia of cheating, THE CRADLE OF ALL CHARLATAN TRICKERY.
Yes, there were rules. Some were enforced more than others. Some weren’t at all. The unwritten ones were the ones you worried most about, the ones that carried grave consequences — like getting your rib cage smashed in by a very large man — but nevermind them. I'd taser an equipment manager in the neck if it meant we could use a game ball that I liked, and so would anyone else. So would Tom Brady. “BUT RULES ARE RULES,” righteous people are rage-screaming right now through their clenched, righteous teeth. “THE PATRIOTS MUST SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES OF THEIR UNLAWFUL ACTIONS.”
Easy there, Johnny Miller. This isn't golf.
On a scale of 1-to-Lethally Poisoning an Opponent with Mercury, slightly deflating footballs is somewhere down around negative-27. It’s scuffing up a baseball. It’s flopping in basketball. It’s snorting giant vats of HGH in the Tour de France. It shows effort, frankly! Due diligence! Hell, I wish Andrew Luck did it. He probably did do it. He just wasn’t a goon about it.
Listen, you guys. We have so many legitimate reasons to hate New England, it’s a goddamn shame we’re having to whip up this Rage Lite, this faux-shock that OMG TOM BRADY SORTA BENT THE RULES TO HIS ADVANTAGE, KIND OF!! Fuck that. We’re lucky Belichick didn’t detonate the field into the abyss like Bane did. What an asshole. He'd TOTALLY do that too, Belichick would. And that will be some high-caliber cheating worthy of our ire. He can't just blow up a field. That is unacceptable.