"I want to set the record straight
This is a very difficult letter for me to write. I realize I haven’t been all that nice this year, but I hope you will hear my case, because there are many things I would like to have this Christmas and I know you will be able to hook me up.
First of all, I want to apologize, again, for firing a shoulder-mounted anti-aircraft missile at you last Christmas Eve. As I told the Department of Homeland Security, I had been drinking and mistook your sleigh for an Iraqi jet that had decided to attack Indianapolis. I deeply regret the loss of reindeer life and was glad to see that the other reindeer could keep the sleigh airborne.
While I know you will miss Donner and Blitzen, I hope it is of some comfort to you that my family enjoyed reindeer jerky and reindeer stew all winter long because of my accident. I’m sure that these reindeer would have wanted it that way.
I am also sorry for the things I said to Mrs. Claus on the telephone. I realize that she is not a phone-sex operator, I really do. I have no idea what got into me that night. I thought that she would become as excited as I was. Because her life is so lonely and filled with solitude, I mistakenly believed that a dose of eroticism would help her. I realize now that this is not the case and I hope you express my regret to her.
And I want to apologize for posting nasty messages on your MySpace page. While I have no excuse for doing so, I believed at the time that some people would find the messages humorous. I had no idea that thousands of children would take my statements literally.
In the same vein, I also want to express my deepest regrets for getting you mixed up with those Dateline NBC people. I’d read the instant messages you’d exchanged with my 10-year-old niece and mistakenly believed your intentions to be less than pure.
I know it must have been a shock when Chris Hansen confronted you and called you a pedophile, and even more of a shock to get arrested by the FBI for child solicitation. However, I sincerely believe that one day you’ll look back at this tragic episode and laugh. I know it’s hard to laugh about it right now.
You can understand my concern when you told my niece that you could see her when she was sleeping. You can’t be too safe when it comes to children and the Internet and I hope you see how I could have misconstrued your remarks to her.
I am sorry that it took so long to resolve the charges against you. I hope that you will not punish my niece this year by bringing her lousy presents, because, after all, I’m the one who called the cops on you, not her.
That brings me to the reason I am writing you this year. Santa, forgiveness is one of the main characteristics of the Christmas season, and I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me for the reasons listed above, as well as all the naughty things I did this year.
While each incident may appear bad on paper, once you look at my actions in their totality, I am sure you will agree with me that, on balance, I have been relatively good.
While it is easy to count up the days on which I was naughty, I implore you to consider the fact that I was nice on a majority of days. There are 365 days in the year and my naughtiness consumed only a portion of that number.
There were entire weeks in which I did not commit any crimes of naughtiness. I hope you will take this into account and not focus on those dozens of days on which I was not nice. Would you want to be judged on the basis of the lousy toys you brought me in the years 1981-’86? You should have known that a “Frankie Says Relax” T-shirt would not look good on me. Yet you brought me the same shirt every year during that period.
In the spirit of reconciliation, I believe that you should be forgiven for not bringing me the toys that I wanted as a child, just as I should be forgiven for trying to assassinate you and for having the police arrest you.
Now that we are clear on those matters, I wish to list the things I am expecting to see under my tree on Christmas Day. Please note that the following list is not all-inclusive. The omission of an item from this list does not mean I don’t want it; it just means that I haven’t written it down.
With that caveat, here is a list of some of the things I need this year. A Playstation 3 and lots of games. A Zinedine Zidane jersey. Lots of subscriptions to Internet porn sites. Several bottles of premium liquor, not that cheap stuff you’ve brought me in the past. Lots and lots of cash. A new car, preferably a hybrid. A plasma TV. Two round-trip first-class tickets to Amsterdam and spending money.
I hope that this letter has given you a better understanding of my situation. Again, I want to apologize for my actions in the past. Nothing will change them, but I am sure that you have the ability to look beyond these regrettable actions and give me the things I need this Christmas. Thank you, once again, for everything, except those crummy things you brought me in 1984.
P.S. I’ll be watching you.