"In case you were recently kidnapped, bound, gagged and encouraged to convert to the 'religion of peace' at gunpoint (or what the media is calling being 'released unharmed') then I take it you may have missed recent episodes of NUVO so I will be a good citizen and provide a recap of some of the highlights.
We learned that Steve Hammer is in love. Cut to him and his newfound love Katie in bed and he is near tears as he gazes upon the sleeping beauty. He expresses his fears and writes of his tender feelings. Thankfully, just as Hammer is about to break into a weepy Michael Bolton ballad delivered in the fetal position, his column is interrupted for a special message from the makers of Vagisil Anti-Itch Cream.
Laura McPhee continued her longstanding streak of producing billion word exposes completely devoid of logic, style and personality. McPhee reported the pig farming market in Indiana is a vast right wing conspiracy to pollute the state with pig innards and that Governor Daniels is the devil. Her recounting of the methodology for disposing of pig feces is one for the NUVO annals.
I wait anxiously for NUVO to report on the environmental and social impact of some nondescript newspaper printing some quarter million newspaper magazines each week. Are the ink and chemicals seeping into the water supply? What of the gasoline required to drive so many newspapers to their destinations? Do their drivers and toilet cleaners get health insurance and a living wage? How many blacks do they have working in non-token positions? And, most importantly, is Governor Daniels lurking in the shadows? I'm sure one of those fair and balanced crackpot journalists will get right on that story, huh?
Lastly, top notch writer David Hoppe takes time away from detailing yet another cliffhanging moment at the latest Haiku reading to alert us the new football stadium is over budget and, oh yeah, Daniels is the devil.