(Editor's note: On March 10th the IMS announced this year's Carb Day acts: Jane’s Addiction, O.A.R. and .38 Special will play the infield on May 22. With that in mind, we'd like to provide the following Public Service Announcement.)
Carb Day is a wondrous affair full of merriment & drink. And while the vast, vast majority of those in attendance are delightful people who mean you no harm, there are certainly a few categories of ne'er–do–well's who you MUST be aware of. Some are potentially violent … others are merely catastrophically annoying. All can ruin your day if you’re not careful.
These are those categories.
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RUFFIANS BUSSED IN FROM APPALACHIAN PRISON YARDS
RECOGNIZABLE ATTIRE: Tattoos; other people’s blood; wallet chains.
LIKELY ACTIVITY: Cracking skulls in the parking lot.
WHY THEY’RE BOTHERSOME: They’re only there to fight & smoke meth … and they’re almost out of meth. (Just kidding! HAHAHA! They’re NEVER out of meth!)
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UNSUPERVISED DEMON KIDS RUNNING AMOK
RECOGNIZABLE ATTIRE: Latchkey around neck; Charlotte Hornets gear (The Official Apparel of Head Lice & Neglect!!®“).
LIKELY ACTIVITY: Drinking beer; pickpocketing the elderly; playing “pencil pop”; ruining America.
WHY THEY’RE BOTHERSOME: They will gladly rob your shit at knifepoint.
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MORBIDLY DRUNK PARTY GUY WHO JUST OVER-DID IT
RECOGNIZABLE ATTIRE: Vomit-stained “South Carolina Gamecocks” t-shirt; Nike cross-trainers.
LIKELY ACTIVITY: Vomiting. Or about to vomit. Or lying pulseless in a pool of vomit.
WHY HE’S BOTHERSOME: Seeing as how he just urinated in the middle of the gift store, he’s probably not overly concerned about vomiting on you.
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ROAMING HOARDES OF MEATHEADS
RECOGNIZABLE ATTIRE: Fake Armani wifebeaters from TJ Maxx; 16 quarts of Axe Body Spray; generalized failure.
LIKELY ACTIVITY: Looking for girls. Or flexing for them. Or punching them in the head.
WHY THEY’RE BOTHERSOME: They will make you weep for mankind, and weeping will harsh your buzz QUICKLY.
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THE PROWLING COUGAR
RECOGNIZABLE ATTIRE: A revealing halter-top of some kind. And no bra. (Just like they wear on Whore Island!)
LIKELY ACTIVITY: Confidently eye-raping younger men while doing Jäger shots.
WHY SHE’S BOTHERSOME: Aside from the obvious, she’s left her evil younglings unattended — free to run amok & carjack people.
* * *
THE MAJESTIC INFIELD YETI
RECOGNIZABLE ATTIRE: Mud. And fur. (HE IS A NOBLE BEAST INDEED!)
LIKELY ACTIVITY: Hibernating in quiet solitude. Or clumsily rummaging the grounds in search of wounded prey & beer — but that is a rare sight in nature.
WHY HE’S BOTHERSOME: He’s been living in some burrowed-out den in Turn 3 since late February in preparation for this weekend. His foul odor & ill-tempered demeanor reflect this painful truth. Also, flash photography will freak him out, and he’s liable to charge. He demands a wide berth.
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THE CREDENTIALED BLOGGER
RECOGNIZABLE ATTIRE: Something very unflattering & horrible. Or perhaps nothing at all. (Mm-hmm. Soak it in, ladies.)
LIKELY ACTIVITY: Tweeting.
WHY WE’RE BOTHERSOME: Because a mere glimpse at our social awkwardness will murder your retinas & render you blind, solar-eclipse-style.
(This article originally appeared in The Silent Pagoda on May 12, 2010)