"Stories the media have been too busy to cover

There’s simply been too much news to report lately. Not even the 24-hour cable networks have been able to keep up with the avalanche of information, what with the bin Laden video, the Iraq war report, tropical storms and all of the other things happening out there.

That’s why I’ve made it my business to keep tabs on some of the other stories that the mainstream media hasn’t had time to cover. These stories are guaranteed to be as real as the word of the president of the United States. Only a twisted deviant could make up things like these.

Expert: ‘Era of nude celebs is over’

For the past seven years, John Michaelson, a former video store clerk, has been running a blog devoted to the goings-on of movie starlets, teen singers and models. But he’s closing his popular site this week because, as he says, “the golden age of the nude celebrity is over.”

With a sigh and the click of a mouse, he posted his last story on Saturday, a report about a nude picture scandal involving one of the stars of Disney’s popular High School Musical.

“Back at the turn of the century, a nipple slipping out of Britney Spears’ outfit would have been big news,” he said. “Now, it’s an everyday occurrence. In 2000, a beauty pageant queen’s bawdy photos would have been the topic of dozens of stories on my site. Nobody cares anymore.”

He points to a recent incident involving the actress Claire Danes, whose left breast and nipple were exposed during a recent appearance on MTV. “Just a few years ago, that picture alone would have brought 500,000 hits and 3,000 comments on my blog. This time, all it got was a few hundred hits and comments about what a dull picture it was. I can’t stay in business in a climate like that.”

Drinking from a large mug of coffee, he says, “Not even a Disney actress showing bush is news anymore. It’s time for me to close up shop. Every attractive female under 25 had naked pictures or videos of herself on her Facebook or MySpace page. There’s just no room for a guy like me.”

Michaelson cites two key events as reasons for the decline: the much-publicized Paris Hilton sex tape of 2004 and last year’s full-on display of Miss Spears’ vagina. “After that picture of Britney hit the Net, I knew my days were numbered. Where do you go after you’ve seen that? People got jaded. And then Lindsay Lohan showed her stuff, too. People just don’t care anymore.”

He blames an over-saturation of celebrity news for the decline of his site, which at its peak drew 350,000 visits a day but managed just a few dozen hits last week. “I knew I’d be in trouble once the Olsen twins turned 18, but I never thought it would get this bad.”

His future plans include starting a site about the Toledo Mud Hens, his hometown baseball team, and moving out of his parents’ basement.

Airport restroom welcomes Repubs

Hoping to draw business and attention from the Larry Craig sex scandal, the director of a small commuter airport in Wisconsin says that “Republicans are welcome to have gay sex in our restrooms any time.”

Since a nearby airfield upgraded its facilities, business has dropped by 65 percent, Barry Hoaxson says. In order to regain lost customers, he’s recruited male prostitutes to act as attendants in his airport’s two public restrooms.

“This county voted 85 percent for Bush in 2004, so we’re thinking our potential client base is enormous,” Hoaxson says. “Any Republican who’s been considering having anonymous gay sex in a men’s room should come on in, if you’ll pardon the expression.”

Hoaxson says that local police have agreed to not patrol his airport during the promotion, which ends after the 2008 elections. “We understand that being a gay, closeted, anti-homosexual Republican is tough,” he says. “That’s why we’re trying to make it easier to enjoy furtive, desperate encounters while traveling.”

The dividers between stalls in the restrooms have been shortened from 6 to 3 feet and the doors have been raised from 1 foot above the floor to 3. “That way, you can get a good look at who’s inside tapping their feet. Never again will a Republican have to worry about being entrapped in our men’s rooms,” he says.

He says that Democrats are welcome as well but complains that their openness about their sexuality means few of them will partake of his restroom’s services. “They’ll just go to gay bars or meet other gay people at social events,” he says. “Our service is for the Republicans who prefer a life of sensual hypocrisy.”

Craig has been invited to the renovated bathroom’s ribbon-cutting ceremony next week, but a spokesman for the Idaho senator said she did not know if he would attend. “He’s been getting invitations from men’s rooms across the country,” the spokeswoman said. “He can’t possibly have sex in them all.” 



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