"I hope you can help me. My boyfriend and I broke up three months ago but still spend several nights together during the week for sex. Honestly, we don’t even talk that much because it always leads to a big nasty fight, and I think I can just say that at this point I don’t even like him as a person. He’s a liar, he cheated on me twice, he has no job right now and is basically a loser.
But the one thing I keep coming back for is the sex.
Lou, I’m addicted!!! I’m not saying we’re just the best people in bed ever or anything like that, it’s just that when the two of us have sex, it’s better than I’ve ever had with anyone else. But here’s my problem…I am starting to feel like I wish we were back together. I know, I know, I said all that stuff about him earlier and it’s all true, but I can’t help it. The other night I was actually leaving to go home and not spend the night as his place but when I left, he gave me a kiss and a big hug goodbye, almost like he didn’t want me to leave. So I called him the other night and he came over. I asked him if he wanted to get back together, but he said no. He said that he was happy with the way things were now, just “friends with benefits.” I asked him if he was dating anyone else and he said no, but he was thinking about dating again and just wanted us to leave things open. Now what I thought was a good arrangement is all messed up for me because I get mad at him all over again one minute, but then the next when we’re getting along so well, I feel like I wish we were back together and it breaks my heart over and over that we’re not. What should I do?
Dear Feeling Insane,
Stop seeing him right now and spend some time on your own. Your judgment is clouded and you’re torturing yourself. Breakups usually happen for a number of very good reasons. But when you’re only sampling the best an ex has to offer, usually sex, it’s difficult why you bailed in the first place. There is nothing wrong with having a sexual relationship if you’re safe and responsible. However, what usually happens in a situation with prior history, like with you and your ex-boyfriend, is one partner becomes emotionally involved again. Basically, all you’re doing right now is experiencing an extended-release breakup, one that becomes more drawn-out the longer you choose to hook up.You’re going to experience some delayed heartache, but more than likely, with distance will come perspective. Soon you’ll remember why you’re not together anymore (infidelity, lack of prospects, lying, etc.) and recovery will begin. You’ll feel better quicker, and it will be real. You deserve it.