"Lou,

I need help with a sexual problem. I can’t seem to get interested in sex anymore without using my BOB (battery operated boyfriend, to borrow a song from Kelly McKay’s show!). It used to be that my boyfriend and I would use it for fun and foreplay once in a while (let’s be honest, it saves him the exertion of giving me oral once in a while). Of course, those lonely nights when I need a little something to “take care of myself,” I get it out and spend an hour or so pleasuring myself. I admit, in the last couple of weeks, we haven’t had much time together, and I’ve spent more time with my vibrator than my boyfriend. I’m one of those women with a high sex drive that ideally would have sex every day, and we both travel sometimes for our jobs so it just hasn’t been “coming together” for us lately. Finally, as of last week we both are home to stay for a good while, but the welcome home sex was only so-so. Neither of us admitted it, but I know he felt the same way. We’re crazy about each other and aren’t having any problems, but we were both a little disappointed with our long-awaited reunion. Afterwards, this week I’ve found that my BOB isn’t thrilling me anymore either. It’s the weirdest thing, I still want sex, the drive is still there, but when I get down with my man or my machine, my level of pleasure and the intensity of my orgasms have really decreased. Are we OK? What I don’t want to hear is that I’m heading toward some big sexual drop-off. You hear about those couples that have been together for a while and have no interest in sex whatsoever. No, it’s not the most important thing in the world, but my sex life has always been something I’ve really enjoyed. How do I get the pleasure back?

Thanks,

Declawed Sexual Tiger

Dear Declawed,

The problem with doing anything every day, even something as fun as sex, is that it has a tendency to become part of the routine of your life. We’re just wired that way. If you engage in sexual activity almost as often as you, say, brush your teeth, it’s bound to lose its luster. But you can probably reverse this by disrupting your routine. It’s often suggested to bring a new position, toy, game or video into the bedroom, or another room, all of which are fine ideas. Trying something new can quickly bring back some excitement you may be missing lately. But in your particular case, I’d keep those ideas in the holster without using them just yet. The libido is an annoyingly fickle thing. It can ambush you with unexplained ferocity at the worst possible time, only to disappear at moments when you are trying to enjoy a night of passion. Take the reins on your sex drive by letting it go for a while. It may be that you’ve been, well, at yourself too often. Forgo boy and BOB for three/four days at a time, longer if you wish. This may be just one of those times when you need to let yourself miss sex for a while before you can get really hot again. Not only can a little deprivation go a long way toward restoring your former levels of pleasure.

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