I am a 22-year-old female student living in Indianapolis. I have had a “friend with benefits” for the last six months or so, someone I’ve known for a while and really like. We don’t see each other that often, maybe only four or five times a month, but we talk regularly and see each other socially with other people. That is actually a part of my problem. See, the reason why this guy and I know each other is that he’s the ex-boyfriend of a friend of mine. Even worse, I’m the one that introduced them!!!! We just never realized until after the fact that there was an attraction between the two of us. They didn’t date that seriously or that long and are both still friends, but I think everything would be blown apart if she found out about us. I know neither of us went looking for anything, it just sort of happened, but this is more than just great sex, although the sex is amazing (I’ve never had an orgasm until him!). But all that aside, I really have feelings for this guy and I think he has them for me, too. I would like to take this to a higher level, at least tell people we’re seeing each other rather than hooking up on the DL. What should I do? I don’t want to lose my friend or have everyone be mad at me.
Girl With a Secret
Not that you asked, but I wanted to tell you anyway that while not ideal, I don’t think pursuing a public relationship with this guy is the worst thing in the world. If he and your friend had a long-term thing, that would be another matter, but since it was short-lived and casual, I think this is awkward but OK.
That being said, your friend will not likely agree. As I mentioned, coming out will be awkward and uncomfortable, at least at first, and it will naturally be a shot to your friend’s pride. She might let it roll off her back quickly or not want another thing to do with either of you. You’ll need to be prepared for and accepting of either reaction. Other people in your group of friends might also weigh in on the ethics of the situation, whether they’re entitled to do so or not. You’ll have to take all possibilities into consideration and decide on your own how big the risks are and whether they’re worth taking. Using your best judgment to gauge your friend’s reaction is part of that. Obviously, the first step is making sure this guy shares your feelings and is comfortable moving forward. It’s probably going to be messy in some respect, and I can’t give you any guarantees on how things will end up. But if in your estimation, a more meaningful relationship is worth the bumpy ride along the way, I’d say go for it. Good luck.