"I have a problem with an ex-boyfriend. We were together from last fall until this June, when we had a really bad breakup (well, it was for me), and I’ve been so depressed ever since. I did NOT want this breakup and still don’t. When we finally broke things off (we had been fighting for a while), I felt like my whole world was falling apart. He said he just didn’t have strong feelings for me anymore and didn’t want to live a lie. Live a lie! What were all those months, then? Now I don’t want to do anything but sit and cry.

After two weeks of no returned calls and e-mails, he finally called me to come and get his clothes that he left at my apartment. There were so many times I wanted to light everything on fire; he’s lucky he got it back at all! Anyways, he came to the door and of course I started crying even though I swore to myself I wouldn’t. He got mad and we started yelling at each other, which made me cry even more, but then he calmed down and gave me a hug. It was the best I’ve felt in weeks since we broke up.

I started kissing him and wanted him to come back into the bedroom. Not that sex solves everything but I know if he remembers how good everything used to be, maybe we could at least start talking about getting back together. I admit it, I practically begged him to have sex with me, but he wouldn’t and instead got mad again and left. Now I feel even worse than I did when we first broke up because it’s like it happened all over again! What can I do? I can’t stop thinking about him and wishing we were back together.

Thanks for listening,

Shattered

Dear Shattered,

Oh hon, I’m so sorry you’re suffering. There’s no quick way to feel better after a breakup, particularly one you didn’t want. You have to grieve your loss and give yourself permission to just feel lousy. It’s honest, and it’s unavoidable. Slowly, you will start to feel better, or at least less lousy than the day before. Your mind will be stuck in a loop for a while, and many times during the course of a single day you’ll go back to wishing you had him by your side. But I promise this will happen less frequently over time and will eventually stop. You will probably even see, down the road, that this was not the best relationship for you, anyway, for many reasons. Life will get fun again and, much later, you’ll be thinking about meeting someone new. I promise you, the worst part is happening right now and it only gets better from here.

Of course, this process can’t begin until you quit coming up with reasons to have contact with him. You’ve broken up, you’ve had the “Stuff Exchange” and the less than dignified crawl back to him, begging for sex. That’s it. No more meetings, e-mails or phone calls. I mean it. As much as it hurts like hell, it’s over. Accept this, and your pain will also be over much more quickly than it would by revisiting it, and him. Good luck.

"

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