Thanks to fans and foes

 

This is it. The New England

Patriots and New York Giants are heading to Indy to play in the Super

Bowl

. Millions of dollars have been spent and thousands of hours of

preparation by civic leaders have all led up to this.

The reward for Indianapolis,

besides the media attention and money spent with downtown merchants, is to

disrupt the lives and annoy the living hell out of anyone who lives or works

anywhere near Lucas

Oil Stadium

.

Please understand that all of

next week I must leave for work at least an hour early and arrive home at least

an hour late. The bus system may be free, but it is trashed with detours.

I'm in no good spirits about this

occupation

of our city by rich people.

Allow me to vent:

First of all, dismiss the idea

that "the eyes of the world are on Indianapolis." Nothing could be

further from the truth. No country plays NFL-style football except the United

States and nobody but Americans care about the Super Bowl. To the rest of the

world, "football" is what we call "soccer"

and our "football" is an incomprehensible and violent sport designed

to sell beer on TV.

The rest of the planet could care

less about football and the Super Bowl. To them, it's just one of those bizarre

American weaknesses that defies common sense, like Newt

Gingrich

or Snooki.

Now that we've established nobody

outside our borders cares about the game, we can get a better understanding of

it. Barring a Janet Jackson-style nipple slip on TV, the rest of the world will

barely notice the game even occurred.

Since we're free from the burden

of global ambassadorship, the people of Indianapolis are free to greet the

inevitable scorn of our East Cost brethren with a little good-natured fun.

We'll never get into P. Diddy's

party or hang out with Charlie Sheen or even get to apply makeup to John

Madden. That means inventing our own games to amuse us.

Number one, always give visitors

the wrong directions.

The city got off to a good start

when they added confusing new street signs downtown, turning Meridian Street to

Bills Street and Ohio Street to Jets Avenue, guaranteeing wrong turns by anyone

dependent on GPS.

They even had a sign on Meridian

Street with arrows to landmarks pointing in the wrong direction. One would have

to cross the complete surface of the earth to have found the Canal

Walk

by walking east on Ohio Street from Meridian. Alas, the signs were

corrected.

Since Indianapolis streets are

confusing even when there are not 100,000 strangers walking around, there's no

shame in directing visitors in the wrong direction. Make them angry enough and

the Super Bowl will never come back here, which is what we want.

Secondly, play into every

stereotype Easterners might have about us. Go out and buy some novelty teeth

that make you look like you stepped out of Deliverance. Instead of a belt, wear

a rope tied around your waist. If you come in contact with a visitor, be sure

to use the worst grammar possible and speak as if your education didn't extend

beyond the second grade.

Ask them where they're from.

Then, no matter what they say, respond with "Where's that?" When they

try to explain where New York is on the map, look confused. If they elaborate

even more, ask them if New York is near London or if tigers roam the streets. "Do

you guys have hamburgers

there?" is an appropriate response regardless of location.

Make up stories about unsolved

murders and incidents of violent crime. Discuss ancient Indian curses against

tourists. Whatever it takes.

It's bad enough that the state

and city increased my taxes to build that ugly new football stadium; now they're

asking us to be ambassadors of goodwill to Patriots fans, for God's sake! I won't

be able to get to work on time or go anywhere downtown for weeks, but I should

extend a hand of legendary Hoosier hospitality?

Sure, the NFL has dropped a few

selective dollars into the community, and restaurants and hotels downtown will

benefit from the Super Bowl, but I won't. The event is a convention for rich

people and the media, not us. We are specifically excluded from joining in on

the fun.

There's nothing we can do to stop

the Super Bowl from invading our town but we are under no obligation to

facilitate the disruption and near-closure of our city. The best we can do is

to ensure it doesn't happen again and we can live our lives in peace.

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