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Me and my wife only have sex when I make the move, and even then she had an excuse like I have a uti or something. Do you think she's having an affair?
Sarah: “A red bird and a blue bird sit on a fence together. One chirps three notes and the other chirps five. Which one has the ebola thats going to kill us all?” That is what your question sounds like to me: straight-up Christmas crazy. In other words, DUDE, GET A GRIP. Sexual arousal rises and falls like the tides, bruh. And if you're worried it means something else, you should talk to her like an adult and not jump to the extreme end of the possibility spectrum. Instead of taking out a crucial support pillar by accusing her of having an affair, maybe you could just ask her why she seems less interested. Maybe she’s tired. Maybe she doesn’t have orgasms very often. Maybe you’re not making all the late-night thrusting and sweating worth her while. Maybe you’re just in a rut. You’ll never know until you ask her.
Dr. Debby: I have no idea if your wife is having an affair. Neither do you. That’s why you’re asking me. There are many reasons why people decline sex and it can be difficult to say no to sex with someone you love and also difficult to accept a no from someone you love and want to be intimate with. If it seems that your wife frequently does not want to have sex with you, it could be helpful to sit down, let her know that you’ve noticed this pattern, and ask if you can talk about it. Try to do this gently and without blaming her or making her feel bad. For example, you might say something like (in your own words) “I’ve noticed that when I initiate sex, you’re often not in the mood or into it, which makes me feel like you’re not into me. Can we talk about that?” If the conversation doesn’t help you get any further, you might suggest meeting with a marriage or relationship counselor (find one at www.aamft.org) or sex therapist (www.sstarnet.org) who can help you to better communicate with one another and find ways and opportunities to be intimate. Although it’s possible your wife has a crush or is in love or sexually involved with someone else, it’s also possible that she is tired from her work, exhausted from caring for babies or young children (if you have them), having ongoing genital symptoms (like the UTI she’s mentioned), sad, depressed, feeling like you two are going through a rough spot, or not feeling that positive about her own body, all of which could impact her desire or willingness to have sex. Sexuality is complex and it’s great that you want to find a way to address this issue with her.