I have a male friend who is usually really progressive, feminist, and a genuinely good guy who has never made me feel weird or unsafe around him. Recently, I shared that my female partner (I am also a woman) had never had sex with a man but had always had a lingering curiosity about how different it would feel, although she doesn’t really have any interest in seeking out a male partner. Now, disappointingly, my once-cool friend will casually hint or joke about being in a threesome with us (dude, no.) and say shit like, “I’m so feminist, I’m basically a lesbian.” (DUDE NO) Just having the presence of that joke and energy has kind of poisoned my sense of safety and friendship with this person, and I’m bummed out about it. How do I address this with him so we don’t ruin our friendship but this ickiness stops finally?
Sarah: Straight boy stupidity strikes again, as it often does where male sexuality is excluded from female sexuality. For millenia, across all strata of socio-economics and education, there have been born droves of straight men who are so positively sure that their dicks are the instruments of scissoring salvation. I’ll say to them what I say to all straight men suffering from this same delusion: No, gay women are not lesbians because they haven’t had your particular dick in them. It has nothing to do with absent fathers or distant mothers or not feeling fulfilled by a male authority figure in life. Women who love and fuck other women do so because that’s what their sexuality enjoys. Shuffle up and deal with it.
Moreover, ask any lesbian woman how often her sexuality — and I would guess even more so than straight female sexuality — is objectified and intruded upon by speculation, and you might understand why this is such tragic behavior. Every lesbian woman I know has told a man she’s going home with a woman as a means to get them the fuck away only to be asked, “Can I watch? Huh huh huh huh.” The fact that your friend has demoted himself to “basic dumb fuckboy” is disappointing on several levels, because I’m sure you feel like you’ve lost a friend and an ally in a world that’s still openly hostile to the LGBT community.
Probably the second-most infuriating thing about this is the “I’m basically a lesbian part.” Listen, I love barrel-chested lumberjack types and video bars but that doesn’t mean I’m about to ask any of my bear friends if I can squeeze into their fuck sessions because “I get it.” You should start the conversation right there, because this assertion means your friend definitely does not “get it.”
The best way to go about this is just to have a really brutal, awkward conversation about it. State your position clearly and if he doesn’t get the hint, drop him like a hot, dumb potato. Life is too short to waste it on people who shit inches from where they eat. It’s a bummer that this guy, like so many, can’t look at a female friend through a non-sexual lense, but that might be the breaks on this one. Don’t give up on cool dude friends though, because they’re a great thing to have, and you’ll find them if you look. And maybe your friend will come to a greater understanding of what you have to deal with on the daily and knock it off. Everything’s not lost quite yet.