Is there anything that you definitely, definitely shouldn’t use as an insertable?
— Anonymous, from Tumblr
Sarah: My wonderful sister and brother-in-law are both practicing physicians, and I feel I should say on their behalf the thing that they said to me many years ago: if you have a sex accident, just go to the ER. THEY HAVE SEEN THAT BEFORE, PROBABLY. Go straight to the source of medical problem-solvers and hold your head high as you say to the intake nurse, “I have a lightbulb beyond my reach and I’ll be needing to see a doctor,” Yes, there will be more people “observing” in your room than any other patient in the hospital. Yes, you will meet a lot of smirking med school students and residents to whom you are the only bright spot of levity they might see in a long time. But you’ll also get that thing out of you without hurting yourself any worse. On that note, here are some good rules for choosing the thing you put up in you:
1. Nothing that can create a vacuum once inserted. That means if you’re going to use a bottle, it’s gotta get in there either corked, capped, or bottom-first. This is not a joke. Trying to pull it out on your own will likely end very, very, very badly. DO NOT GOOGLE IT.
2. Nothing fragile or anything that could splinter! If they won’t let you have glass by the pool at the Holiday Inn, you shouldn’t have non-tempered glass (e.g. not Pyrex, that super-tough material most glass dildos are made of) anywhere near your downstairs holes.
3. Nothing that isn’t significantly larger on one end than the other if it doesn’t have some kind of handle. Yes, huge, bulb-shaped dildos are manufactured, but they all come with an easily-gripped handle or wide, separate base. Ask any ER doctor how many lightbulbs they have seen lodged in anuses, and I guarantee you’ll hear about at least one per doc, either that they observed or dealt with personally.
The point is, unless you’re really strapped for cash or you’re trying to satisfy a fetishy itch, just please, for the love of god, go buy a dildo.
Debby: Sarah’s got it covered for the most part! Fragile things are huge no-nos when it comes to anal play. Same with anything that could have splinters or sharp edges or glass that could puncture the rectum. Stay away from anything small that could slip out of your hands and do not ever, ever, ever put anything with a battery in it in the rectum. If it slips up inside and comes loose, and the battery comes out, it could pose a significant health risk so you’d be wise to get to the Emergency Room ASAP. As Sarah alluded, there are many excellent toys that are made specifically for anal play and these tend to have a wide base or a circular “lifesaver ring” to slip your finger through and hold onto, thus reducing the risk of it going rogue.