For the first time ever, I’m having fantasies about watching my boyfriend have sex with another woman. We have amazing, adventurous sex and we are very open with each other about our desires. There’s a freedom there that I’ve never experienced. Now I have this desire to watch him pleasure another woman. Is this normal? How do I have a conversation about it with my boyfriend?
— Anonymous, from Tumblr
Sarah: Man, fuck “normal.” If you have a satisfying sex life that you want to share with other people, just count yourself among the lucky and don’t fret over the status quo. Those people have boring sex anyway. This is one conversation that you could come at from any angle and it would probably be successful. Hell, you could spell “Threesome?” in shaving cream on an older, portly Greek man’s naked body and he would probably still be down. It sounds like you guys have fun together, anyway, so I wouldn’t sweat it so much.
Debby: As we commonly say in sex research (something commonly attributed to Kinsey), “the only normal is variation”. You feel a sense of freedom. You have “amazing, adventurous” sex and now you have a new adventure in mind. Great! Sometimes threesomes turn out well, sometimes they don’t. You’ll have a better chance at a good outcome if you talk ahead of time about what your fantasy is, how you both feel about it, and any ground rules you want to set (e.g., “not with my best friend” or “only with my best friend” or “no kissing” or “oral but no intercourse” and so on). If you’re looking for ideas on how to have that conversation, check out books like The Ethical Slut or Opening Up. And threesomes aren’t your only opportunity - sex clubs and swinger’s parties are another option. You don’t even have to be a part of the sex play if you don’t want to; some people prefer watching from afar (see David Ley’s book Insatiable Wives for interviews with, and stories about, men who like it when their wives are with other men).