I have a special friend and I believe that we both want to take it further. On several occasions she has said how much sex means to her and how her late husband’s penis was monstrous and perfect. After that my heart sank, because in no way am I adequate to compete with that man. I have purposely sabotaged the possibilities of us going further, as I would rather have her as a friend than out of my life because I am not a large man. Are there any penis enlargement products that work?
— Anonymous, from Tumblr
Sarah: I have no idea on the penis enlargement stuff, but I can tell you you’re being completely silly on the other front. Great sex is only a little, teeny-tiny bit about the physical interaction of P within V. The rest is all about interpersonal chemistry, being present in the moment, and enjoying what happens when the sex actually goes down. If it seemed like it was moving in the sexual direction and you bailed, she might be feeling a little rejected. You might be surprised, though, at how much an honest conversation about this anxiety could do for both your “special friendship” and your own nerves about getting down with your friend. And maybe the sex won’t be as good as it was with her husband. So what? Do you think you’re going to be every woman’s best sexual partner? No, so why set yourself up with that unreasonable goal in mind. Forget other partners and focus on having good sex and don’t torture yourself with comparisons.
Dr. D: There have been a couple of penis stretching devices that have been shown to indeed lengthen the penis, but they are not the kinds of products most men would likely want to commit to using. They typically are pretty complex devices with lots of parts that are worn on the penis throughout the day for a matter of months, all in the hopes of gaining maybe a quarter or half an inch to one’s erect penis. Plus they don’t have very long term safety data so I don’t personally often recommend them. I know of no pills or herbs that have good scientific data attached to them proving that they work to enhance the size of a man’s penis. My suggestion? Stop creating distance with your special friend if you want to take it further. Using your own words, let her know that you’re into her but that you’ve come to feel a little insecure because she’s talked about how monstrous and perfect her late husband’s penis was, and you’re worried about measuring up. That’s being real and open and vulnerable. It gives her a chance to say whether she’s into you too or whether she just wants to be friends. It also might reveal to her that a good way to draw a man nearer is generally not to go on and on about a “monstrous” penis of an ex. Most men (even larger than average men) have some level of insecurity about their penis — whether it’s big enough or hard enough or lasts long enough. Maybe her doing this is a way of warding off subsequent suitors, whether she realizes it or not. Or maybe she thinks it sounds sexy. In any case, you’re totally normal and human for having the reaction you did. Now it’s your turn to be an adult and let her know that you like her but are a little concerned about that. If you can create meaning and connection and are open to pleasuring one another using a variety of techniques, you two should be good to go though. Truly: size is not everything. Without connection or technique, it’s basically nothing except something to look at.