Have a question for Dr. Debby Herbenick of the Kinsey Institute? Send them in HERE.
Hooked on a feelin’
My BF and I have gotten into a habit of having sex where I'm on top. Now when we have sex in other positions, his boner softens up halfway through and he asks for me to be on top again so he can finish. He didn't used to deflate during other positions. Is something wrong, or is this a 'humans are creatures of habit' thing?
Sarah: Ah, the male boner. It’s a mental game as well as a physical one, getting the old flag to rise up proudly on that pole. There’s not much we can gather with outside speculation about what makes one position that much more bonerific for your boyfriend, so you have to just talk to him about it. Maybe he’s had a tough couple of weeks at work or school and he wants to just kind of take it easy while he bangs. Maybe his thrusting muscles are sore. Maybe you have amazing boobs and you ride it so right, who knows? Answer: he does. So cook a nice dinner together, drink some wine, and ask him for some time out of the saddle.
Debby: It could be habit but it could also be preference. Have you asked him? Does it feel like a physical thing for him or is it the visual stimulation of seeing you on top that enhances his arousal? There’s no single position that does it for everyone, and preferred positions are a mix of numerous factors, so your best course of action is to talk with him about it. Caring about his preference matters, but he also needs to care about your preference, and it’s okay to want to finish in other positions from time to time as well.
Skin and Boned
Is sex better for skinny people? I've noticed that I have better sex when my weight is fluctuating on the lower side. When I pork back up, I feel like my stamina is off and it's harder to finish. Maybe this is all in my head and just because I'm self conscious when I gain a few pounds. Thoughts?
Sarah: I used to experience a similar pattern, especially during the winter when my post-holiday gain felt like it was 100 extra pounds and not 10. There’s the part of it where you feel bad about your appearance, but we also have to be aware that exercising less makes us feel like we have lower energy; not to mention that carrying around extra weight is literally more physically tiring from movin that extra mass around, meaning you end up with a lot less energy at the end of the day—often leading to a recursive cycle of fat-shaming and anti-social behavior. My best advice is to get into some meditation and make a habit of gauging how you feel in a holistic way, not just stepping on and off a scale. Once you learn to separate your mood and self-esteem from your appearance and get into the habit of being kind to your body with food and exercise and enjoying that feeling rather than the numbers game, the sex thing will work itself out. I promise.
Debby: Generally speaking, sex can be good for people of various body shapes and sizes. Research that looks at body mass index (BMI; an imperfect measure but one of the few we have) and sexual function has found that it’s not BMI that makes or breaks good sex, but how we feel about our bodies. And probably fitness (not just fatness) matters too. So if you feel better about your body when you’re on the skinny side, or if you’re generally fitter when skinny, then either or both of those could translate into better, more confident sex that comes along with greater endurance. What matters is that you figure out what works for you and your sexuality, so good for you for being self-aware.
I was circumcised as a babe. It wouldn't have been my first choice, but whatever; I don't know/care what I'm missing, chicks dig scars etc. Thing is, the uh, northern face of my glans has suffered from a bit of erosion. I naturally assumed this scarring was a result of my spirit bone being more intense than my admittedly mortal flesh will allow. Apparently though, cut dudes just have weathered dick heads. Is there a way to get that shit smooth as Will Smith in Hitch?
Sarah: I’d give you the same advice that I give women who ask me what kind of pubic topiary men “prefer.” To wit: “By the time he gets face-to-puss with your bush, the only thought in his head at that point is ‘VICTORY!’” In other words, if you think it’s going to be weird for partners, it’s unlikely to be noticed at all. As far as smoothness goes, the makeup artist in me wants to recommend what I always do for weathered skin: healing oils, glycerine-based lotions with hydrophilic hyaluronic acid to plump the skin. Otherwise, spend your thinkin’ calories on something more worthwhile.
Debby: I’m not sure what you mean about having a weathered glans (head) - this is not necessarily a characteristic of men who have been circumcised. I’d recommend talking with a dermatologist (a doctor who specializes in skin health). There are plenty of skin conditions that can also affect the genitals, or primarily affect the genitals, and if you have one of those it may be treated with a topical cream or ointment, as some are.
So I'm dating a new guy and will be going from a Top to a Bottom. Can you tell me the best way to get really clean up in there. Are "Shower Shot" safe? And what if I can't get a Shower Shot and need to do the cleaning soon. What can I do with normal shower items?
Sarah: I have friends who are all over the map on this one. I know a lot of bottoms who just kind of time their eating so that they don’t really have to deal with enemas and the lot. However, even if you can’t get the equivalent of an anal super-soaker like the Shower Shot, they might have just what you need at either your local Target or Lowe’s Home Improvement in the form of either a regular enema bag (everything but the continuous pressure!) or get some tubing that would fit an enema nozzle and a faucet diverter and do it your damn self! (Although we should let you know that Indianapolis has-same day delivery from Amazon and there are lots of Prime-eligible options here, FYI.) Since you asked for ways to get “super clean” up there, I might suggest just trying the old hospital-style gravity method first as that might be all the clean you need. Then again, you wouldn’t get a chance to try this “silicone attachment” which sure looks like fun.
which sure looks like fun.
Debby: Shower Shot and other douches are used by some men to clean out their anus prior to having anal sex, but they’re not necessary. Honestly, some people - in advance of bottoming - just avoid foods that are likely to make them feel gassy or loosey goosey and/or they go to the bathroom ahead of time. If you feel more confident doing an anal douche first, try to avoid harsh chemicals and if you notice any redness or itching or irritating, stop and/or check in with a healthcare provider.