My boyfriend's tongue has all the dexterity of a chicken nugget, and sometimes I feel like he's just poking me with it. I've tried to talk him through some alternative techniques with little success. Any words of wisdom or helpful hints? —Anonymous
Sarah: For some reason, porn teaches dudes that if you sort of poke or slightly batter the clitoris with a pointed tongue, it somehow should make a woman writhe with almost intolerable pleasure. Try to contain your LOLs. Let me make this really simple for you: just tell him to imagine you’ve spilled honey on your nethers and he should lick like he’s trying to get all the sticky off—like, all the stickiness off. However, do not practice with actual honey around your junk because you don’t want to get actual sugar up in there. Don’t ask me how I know this. To be good at it, though, your dude has to not play around like he’s trying to avoid too much actual tongue contact with your vag, and you have to be vocal about what you like. No matter whom you’re doing it on and what their pants parts look like, though, you just can’t pull off satisfying oral sex and keep your face clean. There. It’s been said.
Debby: Practice, practice, practice. Stop for a moment and say what you like “softer” or “like this”. Have him practice on your stomach or neck. Practice on his and show him what you like. Whatever you do, though, be kind and gentle with your words just as it seems you want him to be a bit more gentle with his tongue. I imagine he’s trying...
My female partner ejaculates, sometimes during sex but more often by touching herself after sex. Is this only possible for some women or can I someday experience this wonder for myself? —Anonymous
Sarah: Again with the “squirting challenge!” I just don’t get the obsession, outside of a curiosity that it feels significantly different or better. Think about other scenarios in which liquid is ejected from your body. Imagine if some people also drooled when they laughed really hard, and an entire series of internet videos where you learn how to “tell such a funny joke, you’ll be soaked!” It’s kind of an insult wrapped in a compliment, right? “Girl, I’m gonna make you cum so hard, you’ll be doing laundry for days.” It just seems a little silly to put all this pressure (ha) on this one singular outcome of sex that isn’t widely understood except that it’s a vagina doing something we associate with dicks, and if that’s the root of the fascination (which is my theory), then this is a weird one to chalk up in the Equality column. Maybe you’ll squirt. Maybe you won’t. But comparing your orgasm to your partner’s in a covetous way will ultimately just detract from your pleasure.
Debby: Not all women ejaculate and though there are books and, in some cities, workshops on how to experience female ejaculation, many sex researchers and educators (including me) are not big fans of that process. The major reason is because many of the books/classes recommend bearing down on the pelvic floor muscles, which may possible stress or weaken them and generally we want to keep those muscles strong and in good shape so as not to increase the risk incontinence later on. One concern - and we don’t know this, but it is a common concern - is that at least some women who teach themselves to ejaculate many not be ejaculating at all but may instead be releasing urine. So far no study has examined that possibility, and that idea may be wrong, but it’s something a lot of us wonder about. I’m a bigger fan of supporting those who do ejaculate and encouraging everyone to explore the full potential of lots of their body parts to be stimulated and to experience pleasure.