Improve your sex life by getting that burning question answered by one of the world's foremost experts on sex, Dr. Debby Herbenick of Indiana University's Kinsey Institute. Submit anonymously here!
How do I deal with PE or over-sensitivity? I've dealt with this before successfully with a patient and loving girlfriend using techniques I read about online and we had great sex. After time alone I'm not my best again. My recent partner has cast me asid e for this reason even though I give her orgasms other ways. How do I get her to believe we can improve? I feel I need a sex surrogate to get better.
Sarah: It’s not uncommon or nearly the dealbreaker you guys probably think that it is. I would say, go on enough dates to build some intimacy and then be honest about this problem when it’s time to get down. Just letting her know about it will ensure that she won’t be either surprised or disappointed, and then just keep trying with the start-stop stuff until you get it back under control. You’ll be alright.
Dr. Debby: Not to be self-promoting, but I’d recommend you both read Sex Made Easy, a book I wrote and talked about some personal stories about this very thing. Or check out Dan Savage’s archives where he’s written about premature or rapid ejaculation. We come down similarly on this issue which is that PE doesn’t have to get in the way of great sex. You don’t have to “fix” everything. I had very pleasurable sex for a long period of time with a man who came very quickly. If your partner isn’t willing to #leanin with you and your sex life, it may not be the right match. She may even just be blaming things on PE rather than whatever her real issue is. The tricks themselves, though, are start-stop technique and the squeeze technique which are also in Sex Made Easy (as well as lots of places online if you Google them using those terms) and which you can practice in masturbation and then transfer to sex with a partner. Sexual function often gets easier with practice with the same partner, suggesting that feeling relaxed, comfortable, and confident plays a big role too. This person doesn’t sound like someone who’s focused on helping you to feel comfortable or confident, and that’s something to note too.