Gotta admit it — yer old pal Art was getting a little freaked out by the quality of these prognostications early on. But now it's time, after the Shoe has finally proven me wrong, to check what I did right and what might change. I'll stick with that 11-5 prediction, but if the Boys in Blue outperform my picks, I don't care. Plus, these skinflint NUVO bastards only pay me in cheeseburgers and growler backwash anyway, so what do I care if these stink?
First, let's review:
Sept. 7 at Denver: Luck vs. Manning? What more needs to be said? Besides the obvious — this game will see Peyton hurling the damn ball all over the field without ol’ Bob to slow him down with a sack or 30. Broncs 37, Colts 21. (This is the first prime-time Sunday night game airing on NBC this season. Bring the hype.) ACTUAL FINAL: PEYTON 31-24
Sept. 15 v. Eagles: The Colts welcome what’s probably the best team in a meh division, the NFC East (we play all the teams in said division in 2014) for the home opener. Expect deafening crowd noise when a hopefully-completely-healed Reggie Wayne catches his first ball. It’s a Monday night game, too. So what could possibly completely freak out everybody in Blue Nation? An 0-2 start. Iggles 23, Colts 21. ACTUAL FINAL: IGGLES 30-27
Sept. 21 at Jags: Blake Bortles is the future! Maybe, but not the present. This is where the Colts start looking like an NFL team. Colts 49, Jags 3. (PROP BET: More people will watch this game in the Greenwood Buffalo Wild Wings than will actually show up in Jacksonville.) ACTUAL FINAL: COLTS 44-17
Sept. 28 v. Titans: Colts 21, Oilers 10, Titans 3. ACTUAL FINAL: HORSE 41-17
Oct. 5 v. Ravens:
These thugs will probably be the best in the AFC North. Their defense is always tough. Ravens 17, Colts 13. ACTUAL NEVER-SO-HAPPY-TO-BE-WRONG FINAL: CAVEMAN BEARD 20-13
Now let's get to the rest of the season. Thursday night first:
Oct. 9 at Texans: Thursday night game, on the road, after a bruiser. Texans 24, Colts 13.
We are now 2-4. Jagerbomb sales suddenly spike, as do ratings for Bears games. NO CHANGE IN PICK.
Oct. 19 v. Bengals: Why isn’t this a rivalry? Oh, yeah, because the Bengals always manage to find a way to suck. Colts 28, Bengals 21.
Mathis returns to last season’s form here. NO CHANGE IN PICK.
Oct. 26 at Steelers: The field is named after a ketchup. Ketchup is the color of blood. Steelers 17, Colts 3. NO CHANGE IN PICK.
(We are now 3-5. The Blue Crew sets fire to Anderson. Jim Irsay’s estate is overrun by Mongol hordes. Mascot “Blue” changes name to “Pestilence.” Grown men weep like troubled subjects in post-impressionist paintings.)
Nov. 3 at Giants: T
he ghost of Jimmy Hoffa bets large against the Jints in this one and trips up Eli in his own end zone. Colts 25, Giants 17. Calling this the other way now. Eli 35, Colts 28.
BYE WEEK: Colts practice squad 17, Jaguars 3.
Nov. 16 v. Patriots: “Everything that has transpired has done so according to my design. Your friends, up there on the sanctuary moon, are walking into a trap, as is your Rebel fleet. It was I who allowed the Alliance to know the location of the shield generator. It is quite safe from your pitiful little band. An entire legion of my best troops awaits them. Oh, I'm afraid the deflector shield will be quite operational when your friends arrive.” – Bill Belichick, pregame press conference, Super Bowl XLVI. Colts 31, Pats 30, your cardiologist $45K. Blue becomes cuddly again. NO CHANGE.
Nov. 23 v. Jags: Colts 124, Jags 10.
Nov 30 v. Daniel Snyder’s Racist Logos: Colts 27, Cultural appropriation 0. RG3 throws nine interceptions. Reggie catches for seven million yards. The defense sacks Griffin, Griffin’s backup, Griffin’s backup’s backup, Snyder’s valet and two beer guys. Every talking head on ESPN suddenly crowns the Colts as Super Bowl favorites! CHANGELESS.
Dec. 7 at Browns: Will Johnny Football ever be a decent starting QB?
Will Cleveland’s alleged NFL team have a winning record? Will Trent Richardson go all Jim Brown and gain 450 yards? Can LeBron bring a ring to the Cavs, the Indians AND the Browns? Will The Carpenters ever make it into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame? The answer’s fucking no. Colts 31, Dog Pound 3, Manziel’s Finger 1 DON'T GO CHANGIN'.
Dec. 14 v. Texans: Probably the only team in the AFC South division besides the Colts with even a shot at the playoffs. Playoffs? PLAYOFFS? Still, Colts 28, Texans 21. SAME AS IT EVER WAS.
Dec. 21 at Cowboys: I have two favorite teams: the Colts and whoever is playing the Cowboys. Hey! Lookit this! Colts 45, Jerry Jones’ Candid Camera 10. I AIN'T BUDGIN'.
Dec. 28 at Titans: There are still Manning Vols jerseys in these stands. Colts 21, Titans (
playing for the slimmest chance at playoff survival and praying for help from six other teams in the AFC) 20. Titans 3.