Salutations, neighbors! Say, our boys sure were on the trolley last night, were they not?!! Hahaha, you bet yer wooden nickels they were! They fought those dapper Penn. fellows with all their might! A real hayburner, folks! Knee-deep in cabbage stew, we were! But alas, our noble brigade & the very Light of the Lord both were struck down by a heap of phonus balonus if you ask me! Horsefeathers! A real sockdolager at the cheatin' hands of the striped devil-judge who had it in for us, see! That turkey was a wrong number from the get-go, sure as sawbucks!

[cracks open a bottle of Coca-Cola made with 65% uncut cocaine]

Say, gang — one minute everything's jake & the next it's all gone to onions! ONIONS, SEE!! And now I'm readin' in the newsies that perhaps I'm to blame, your old pal Pep! To which I reply, APPLESAUCE TO THAT! (Pardon my French.) It's all horsefeathers if you ask me!

[hikes up rowing unitard]

Listen close, dames & germs: I am no Copper Cad, if you know what I mean! I'm no flim-flam hopped up on the giggle juice! I'm a butter & eggs man, through & through! A real high-pillow! I learned foot-ball under Flyin' Faye Abbott & Paddy Driscoll and they're just aces, gang! ACES!! We play it safe, see! We play the power run foot-ball that you can set your timepiece to, not yr. loosey-goosey crazyball with yr. for-ward heaves & other such witchcraft!

[sells U.S. Steel stock, makes $319 million]

Sure, some outfits in the Nat'l F'ball Lg. play the "crazyball," but they are coached by a bunch a' flat tires if you catch my drift! Some real boobs! They do their for-ward tosses and their no-huddle(?) nonsense and they even use fancy talkie-machines to relay their sorcery back 'n forth betwixt the coaches &/or players! BOLLOCKS!! No sir-ee, me & Faye & Paddy, we use Injun lads to run written dispatches back 'n forth on foot because those people can be trusted and tech-nology cannot!

[earns medical degree, prescribes cigarettes to all his patients]

So we shall stay the course, folks; we will eschew these modern fads of the "for-ward pass" and "film study" and "flying aero-machines"; we are a tin-lizzy operation here, gang; a power foot-ball team with Jesus at the helm & we will be back in the duck soup in no time!

[teaches 8-year-old nephew how to drive]

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