1. Andrew Luck can carry the whole damn horseshoe.

The Blue and White QB can shake off INTs the way a Labrador shakes off water. Additionally, not only does the man actually smile when he gets clobbered by opposing defenses, he’s also invented the “inverse heckle,” in which the sackee compliments the sacker.

2. The AFC South sucks only slightly less than the NFC South.

Don’t get me wrong — it’s great that the Colts are almost guaranteed a playoff spot every year, but couldn’t this thing be a shade more competitive? And what division will the Jags be in when the Evil Empire moves ‘em to London? (NOTE: THE PRECEEDING WAS WILD SPECULATION. UNBUNCH YOUR KNICKERS, MATE.)

3. Speaking of the South, the Big Ten would like the SEC and everyone else to enjoy a nice big cup of STFU.

See how we cleverly mixed in the college game? Check the Bowls AND the Playoffs. The Buckeyes beat ‘Bama and are playing for a National Title. Wisconsin beat Auburn in the Fake Aussie Steak Bowl. Michigan State shocked Baylor in the Tire and T-Shirt Bowl. Nebraska gave USC a scare in the Generic Time Off Bowl. Penn State bit BC in the Yankee-Land Bowl. (Iowa and Illinois stunk it up, but, hey.)

4. Running game? What’s a running game?

Trent Richardson may soon be on a milk carton near you. Let’s hope the Colts stick with Boom Herron — as long as we can supply the dude with a 55-gallon drum of Superglue. Hold onto the ball, Boom. PLEASE.

5. The Bengals are the best worst team in football.

Seriously – can we play these guys and the Jags every week? Interesting tidbit: Marvin Lewis hasn’t won a playoff game since the media started doing extensive reporting on concussions.

6. IU is the worst worst team in football.

Except for Purdue.

7. Sometimes horrible people become football players.

Ray Rice and Adrian Peterson are abusive assholes. But their level of assholery allegedly pales in comparison to former Pats’ horror-show Aaron Hernandez.


Adam Vinatieri could kick a baseball through a basketball rim at 50 yards, and he’s old enough to have played in the World League of American Football. (Which he did.) Josh Cribbs is apparently allergic to touchbacks. Pat McAfee is not of this Earth.

9. Is Zurlon Tipton the coolest name in the game or what?

Tipton is a town in Indiana. Zurlon is Pat McAfee’s home planet. Zurlon Tipton is THE FUTURE.

10. Johnny Manziel sucks.


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