Good afternoon and HAPPY FRIDAY and so forth, fellow exhausted NUVO-reading elderly person and/or parent of toddlers! Are you pumped up for the weekend?!!!! Meh, we all murmur softly into our porridge and pain pills, too tired to care, too young to go to supper and bed at this wretched hour. That is because it’s been a very long week, you see!! A long week full of endless work drudgery and getting our stupid kids ready for bed and then trying to stay awake to watch the 49 billionth GOP debate of this election cycle – a long week exactly like all the other long weeks when you’re not a hip 20-something spending 16 hours every weekday snorting coke off your forearm compass tattoo and brunching on fine charcuterie at Milktooth.
Now, with regard to Fridays, NUVO has historically kowtowed to you jerk-ass millennials by whipping up weekly HERE’S A BUNCH OF RAD SHIT TO DO TONIGHT pieces, and I get that. I do. You guys love the weekend!! And goddamnit you deserve it! You need a break from the Grind, man – from your week of sexting eachother non-stop on SnapFace or whatever and writing very serious 900,000-word Tumblr posts on the importance of locally sourced beard wax. So NUVO busts out its compilation of tonight’s activities and concerts and depraved, super-charged, action-packed orgies of fun & merriment that require great time and money and energy.
Well fuck that. I just scoured TV Guide for 36 seconds and here is my LIST OF RAD SHIT THAT IS ON THE TV TONIGHT for those of us lacking the time and money and energy to do anything except being slumped over the ottoman watching whatever requires the least amount of button-pushing on the remote control. You are welcome, fellow pathetic old person!
6:30 – NBC Nightly News (NBC): I like that Lester Holt. He seems like a decent fellow.
7:00 – The Simpsons (FX): It’s the one about how Lisa got her saxophone and Dr. Monroe is in this one and there’s a heat wave in Springfield. It’s a pretty good one if memory serves. There are much worse ones, I am sure of that.
7:30 – Rush Hour 3 (Bravo): It’s a movie, I guess. Jackie Chan is in it. Remember him?! He’s a … cop(?). Maybe he’s not a cop, I don’t know – I’ve never seen it. You’ll probably be asleep on the sofa anyway.
11:05 – Whore (TMC) – Well now! This has promise! I’ve also not seen this, but apparently it’s a movie about a whore who LOL JK it doesn’t matter, you will certainly be asleep well before this delightful movie comes on, too bad!
Sleep well, friends. For tomorrow you have 35 different youth soccer/basketball games to go to and also more busy work to do at the office when it's quiet and there are few distractions!