Good morning and welcome to the single greatest day of the Year of Our Lord, Two Thousand and Et cetera et cetera!! The Universe and the Weather and the depraved National Collegiate “Amateur” Sportsball Mega-Corporation™ have aligned in perfect, drunken, sun-soaked unison just as our ancestors foretold it would many moons ago. IT IS GLORIOUS and Right – this city burns at noon. (But in a good, puke-y way!) Let us bow our heads and start off with an ancient St. Paddy’s Day/Opening Round of the NCAA Tourney prayer:
I DON’T CARE IF IT IS 9:30 IN THE MORNING FUCK YOUR STUPID FACE, NINE SHOTS OF JAMESON’S M’LADY.
Okay. OKAY. You guys, before you shotgun another pint of green vodka – a minute please ... do not roll your eyes at me, I am not going all Dad Mode on you here! There is no Dad Mode today. There is no Dad Mode because the vast majority of this city’s upstanding, respected, responsible dads and neuro-radiologists and church deacons are ALREADY at Moe & Johnny’s and elsewhere snorting jugs of Fireball like a bunch of dirty hobos. Today is America’s National Block Party/Rave, after all, an explosive mix of St. Patrick’s Day debauchery and NCAA 1st Round debauchery, where nobody works in earnest — and where gambling laws and social contracts and felonies do not exist. The judicial system and the NASDAQ have made the necessary precautions. You’re good. Swing away, Merrill.
Rather, I am here to remind you of a FAR MORE important thing: namely, to not the horrible brute in the bar publicly and loudly rooting for Baylor or Iowa State or Virginia or any of the heavily favored teams struggling in a tight game simply because you don’t want your bracket wrecked all to shit. That is unacceptable behavior that cannot – and will not – be tolerated. Today is about the 14 and 13 and 12 seeds beating The Man, man. It’s about upsets and anarchy and Florida Gulf Coast making history against North Carolina, possibly, and the sheer joy of a bar-full of strangers coming together to drunkenly root it on. FUCK YOUR BRACKETS, JIM, QUIT HARSHING EVERYONE’S SHIT. Nobody cares about your brackets, they will be smashed all to hell soon enough. There may not be rules against peeing on a police horse today or quote-unquote “carjacking,” but we are still a civilized society, goddamnit! We are still sporting gentlemen, more or less, and if you’re yelling at the Kilroy’s TV for Wichita State to choke on a bag of dicks because you have Arizona in the Final Four, YOU ARE UN-AMERICAN AND AN AWFUL PERVERT AND YOUR FACE WILL BE PUNCHED ACCORDINGLY.
Go forth, friends, and enjoy the wonderful day! Drink and be merry and do very illegal gambling stuff and also other just normal illegal stuff! But always root for the underdog in public settings, I beg of you, never mind your own financial interests. You are not a heartless deviant.