Gay male in my late 20s. I recently ended things with a guy. Our relationship started as a strictly sexual one. We’re both involved in the kink scene in our city and have interests that align in a particularly great way. Quickly it became clear there was a real connection. The next two months were great! I had a toothbrush at his place within three weeks. But early on, I noticed that he was a much more extroverted person than I was. He would laugh loudly at movies, work the room at parties, say things about kink in the middle of crowded restaurants. I prefer to blend in. Initially I thought of this as “the price of admission,” one I was willing to pay, but it soon became tiresome. I ended things, telling him that there were conflicts with our personalities that made a relationship difficult, not specifying what. He fell for me — he’s stated it over and over — but I don’t want him to think he has to change who he is to be with me. I’m confused, Dan. I loved being in a relationship again (I’ve been single for a VERY long time), the sex is great, and finding someone who shares your kinks and you’re attracted to emotionally is rare. We have a ton in common when he’s being down-to-earth. He’s asking me to reconsider. Was I right to end this?
Tired Of Being Single
He shouldn’t have to change who he is to be with you, TOBS, but what if he wants to?
It’s unlikely he’ll morph into an always-quietly-tittering, always-discreetly-kinking introvert, just as you’re unlikely to morph into a braying, oversharing extrovert. But if making an effort to dial it back is the price he has to pay to be with you — along with reserving convos about his kinks (and, by inference, your kinks) for fetish clubs and play parties —why not let him decide if he’s willing to pay?
Gays represent a tiny percentage of the general population, TOBS, and kinky gays represent a not-so-tiny-but-still-smallish percentage of the gay population. I don’t think you have to marry this man, regardless of his flaws, just because you’re gay and your kinks align. But you should think twice about discarding a guy who’s gay and kinky and whose company you enjoy most of the time just because he gets on your nerves now and then.
At the very least, you owe it to yourself, just as you owe it to him, to be specific about the reasons you pulled the plug—because he might want to make an effort to win you back.
There’s a lot that’s good here — your kinks align (rare!) and you enjoy spending some-but-not-all of your time together (common!) — and there are always work-arounds for the bad. An example from my own life: My husband is way more extroverted than I am. So sometimes he goes to movies, restaurants, clubs, and concerts without me. I stay home and read or sleep or clean. And then, when he gets home, we have something to talk about — how the movie was, whether the restaurant was any good, who was out at the clubs, and if there were any cute boys in the band. He doesn’t make me go out; I don’t make him stay home. It’s a work-around that works for us.
With some effort, TOBS, you could find the work-arounds that work for you two: He makes an effort, when you nudge him, to dial it back; he goes to comedies with his friends, dramas with you; if he’s working a room, he won’t take offense if you slip into another room.
Give it — give him — a chance.
On the Lovecast, Dan chats with the amazing Midori about how to get your dom on: savagelovecast.com.
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