Having just read the latest addition I wish to comment on the article entitled “The Dark Side of Intimacy” (Cover, Jan. 30-Feb. 6). First, give up assuming that anyone who has been with an abuser and managed to switch or to leave would like another one. That isn’t normally true. Second, realize the truth that the vast majority of people who have been abused never turn into abusers. However, it is true that most abusers were abused prior to becoming abusive in adult relationships.
Once we get that straight, let’s face the real problem: Many abusers also have a lot of good behavior. The reason most people who have an abusive partner have difficulty leaving is not because there is something wrong with them but is actually because they do not want to leave the good aspects of the relationship, especially when those relationships are providing a lot of financial support and many other beneficial behaviors that are kind and loving.
That, and the normal bonds of sexual matehood and sometimes other factors are what make it so “tough to leave.” These are all areas mysteriously neglected by much of the literature on these subjects and I wanted to put in my “two cents” as it were.
Naturally, people prefer to be treated well by others. Holistic solutions that offer as much and better of what an individual did like about previous relationships are reasonably still wished for by persons. Often someone might like “a relationship much like that only WITHOUT THE ABUSIVE ASPECTS OF COURSE.”
For all our sakes, let’s keep that in mind as we proceed.