What am I gonna do? I met the girl I want to marry last February. I’m 30 and she’s 24. We were together every night and we fell quickly in love. She would call me the love of her life and say things like “I’d marry you in a minute” and “I’m lucky to spend my life with someone like you.” In April I helped her move to Broad Ripple and after two or three weeks she stops saying I love you on the phone when her friends are around. Then at the end of April she told me that we moved too fast, she’s stressed out about graduating college and starting a new job, and doesn’t have time for a boyfriend right now, maybe we should not break up but take a break.
So okay. A week later I’m at her work serenading her and proposing. Of course this freaks her out and after she finds out I talked to one of her friends for advice she breaks up with me. Also adding that this isn’t goodbye and who knows what the future holds. The next night she calls and wants to come over. She says she just doesn’t know what she wants. We have a nice night and the next day I come home early with some food. We eat and then she has to go. At the door she gave me two little kisses and said she just needs to be single for a while. A week and two days go by before she calls to get her guitar. When she gets here I’m drunk and end up pissing her off by asking if she’s happier without me, etc. Three days later I took her some of her things and some pictures of us hoping she would eventually remember how happy we were together. Two days after that I accidentally ran into her and then her friend and now she’s talking restraining order and sent a nasty email. This is crazy. I still think about her all the time. Am I wrong to not want to give up hope? I love her so much Lou. What’s happening here?
Dear Moon Dog,
What’s happening? You both moved way too fast, she backed off. But, having a paucity of character and backbone, she did it in a waffling, manipulative way ... twice. You, predictably clutching these crumbs of hope (“this isn’t goodbye,” “who knows what the future holds,” that crap) begin pursuing her in ever more inappropriate ways until you graduate from lovesick to creepy. Don’t get mad. I do think you’ve been jerked around; she sounds like an asshole. BUT, she’s a scared asshole. She’s threatening to get a restraining order: Think about that. Think about the guy we picture having a restraining order against him. You love her? No. Love doesn’t turn someone into that guy.
So that’s it, you’re done, okay? In order for your life to not get really screwed up, you must be responsible and take the hard road. The best advice I could give you is to swear off her immediately, cold turkey. No “accidental” meetings, no phone calls, emails, telegrams or carrier pigeons, even if she contacts you. She wants some item of hers? She has to go through someone close to you that you trust. She wants to “talk things out”? T.S., you’re both terrible for each other. If you need therapy to do this, get it, or just live your life and enjoy all the people in it who care about you. Take the pain, move through it gradually, and it will subside, as will recurring obsessive thoughts of this woman. Please do this; I wish you luck.