Dear NUVO letter writers:
NUVO’s letters section is getting kind of old. It seems to be the same conservative spittle every issue. So I compiled a list of clichés I think cause us all a collective groan:
1. An enraged conservative will go off the handle, claim to be a longtime reader, and then swear off ever touching NUVO again. Right, after years of faithful reading, it was the article on environmentally-friendly toilets that just put you over the edge.
2. Hammer is fat, and this is very important to know when considering his arguments. Also he smells and has a crappy apartment.
3. If you give Hammer a funny name, yes, you are being witty.
4. When you put something in quotes, it’s “ironic” or “sarcastic” because it’s so obviously “wrong.”
5. If you actually want to quote something, you’re an elite, effete “intellectual.” See what I did there?
6. Marriage is between a man and a woman. Marriage is between a man and a woman. Marriage is between — OK we get it already!
7. If your last name is something amusingly unfortunate, you are required to write a letter to NUVO. Really, Chuck Doberneck? Sounds like the unholy offspring of a stray dog and a NASCAR fan.
8. When you write something in ALL CAPS, it is PARTICULARLY AWESOME.
9. Indiana could never, ever vote for a Democrat.
10. Your review of our (blank) was unfortunate and insensitive because a lot of people spent a lot of time on this piece of shit.
Please file for future reference.