That's the choice in this electionSteve Hammer

This is the most important column I've ever had to write. Sure, there have been more emotionally wrenching ones, such as the one I wrote when my mother passed away in 1999, and the one after my friend and mentor, Harrison Ullmann, died a few months later. But this one is the most important, because it's the last chance I will have to plead my case before next Tuesday, when the most important presidential election of the last 150 years will be held.

But this one is the most important, because it's the last chance I will have to plead my case before next Tuesday, when the most important presidential election of the last 150 years will be held.

I know that Indiana is more than likely to go "red" early in the evening of Nov. 2, but I'm not trying to change the outcome of the state election. I'm trying to reach out to good-hearted people who may be considering voting for George Bush.

Let me say this first. John Kerry is a great man. He has spent his entire life trying to help people. Whether it was breaking with the Democrats on tax cuts in the '80s or helping President Clinton balance the budget in the '90s, John Kerry has tried to help out average Joes like me.

In the 1970s, he helped put dangerous criminals behind bars as a prosecutor. Before that, he served our country honorably in Vietnam. Kerry came from a privileged background; he could have easily avoided combat. But unlike President Bush, Vice President Cheney and President Clinton, John Kerry volunteered to put himself in harm's way.

He has the intelligence, knowledge and experience to be one of our greatest presidents ever. He will make America stronger and safer at home and more respected in the world. He will begin to repair the damage this current administration has done, both at home and abroad.

He has the vision to bring our allies back to the table. He has the honesty and convictions of great leaders such as Franklin Roosevelt and John Kennedy. He will be a great president.

Thankfully, it looks like Kerry and John Edwards will win, thereby avoiding another four years of what we have now: war, poverty, suffering and pain.

But just in case you're still thinking about voting for Bush, let me put these images in your head.

Voting for Bush is voting to put a bullet in your own head. Voting for Bush is a vote for repression, dissident camps, restriction on freedoms and for fascism. It's a vote for slavery, war and murder.

I am a Christian and I am shocked at some of my fellow Christians who claim Bush is the right man for the job. I'm not going to say Bush is the Antichrist, because that would be wrong.

Scripture tells us that the Antichrist will be a man of great personal charm and intelligence who will unite the world. Bush has no charm and can't even unite his own country, much less the world.

And as far as intelligence goes, just a cursory glance at the debates would have shown you that your goldfish at home possess more cognitive skills than the current president.

No, Bush isn't the Antichrist. But I will say this: Satan, the prince of darkness himself, is a Bush voter. Deny it all you want. But I believe it to be true.

Who else would lie and cheat to get elected and then lie and cheat in order to start a war? Who else would allow the torture of prisoners in our custody, if not Mr. Six Six Six himself.

Maybe you're not religious and those terms don't mean anything to you. So let me put this in terms of something I know quite well: alcohol.

John Kerry is the Crown Royal of the presidential race. Expertly crafted, blended and aged to perfection. Smoothness and deliciousness are its trademarks.

Bush is the Wiedemann Beer of the election. Cheap, tinny and nasty. The only reason you'd ever voluntarily drink it is if you're too broke to get wasted on anything else. Even hard-core alcoholics won't drink Wiedemann; they'd rather drink drain cleaner.

Maybe I should put it in sexual terms. John Kerry is the perfect 10. Voting for Bush is like sticking your penis in a toaster.

Bush and Cheney will bring about a financial depression, the return of the draft and the establishment of concentration camps for liberals. This newspaper will be closed under orders of the Patriot Act if Bush is re-elected.

My fat ass will be helping fill potholes in Carmel or Geist if I'm lucky, or being roasted in an oven if I'm not. Either way, our lives as we know them will be fucked beyond repair.

Praise Jesus that help is on the way in the form of John Kerry and John Edwards. As each day brings us closer to the election, more and more people are getting wise to the shenanigans of Bush and Cheney.

John Kerry will bring tax cuts to the middle class, help provide affordable health care to all citizens and keep our nation safe. He will hunt down and kill the terrorists wherever they are. America's security will be his No. 1 job.

This isn't a year where you have two similar candidates. This year, you have your choice between slavery and freedom, between happiness and misery and between keeping the United States of America free or establishing a brutal, Stalin-esque dictatorship.

I'm pretty sure that most Americans would prefer to live rather than face execution, so I'm confident we will make the right choice next Tuesday. If you are for liberty, make sure you vote and that you vote for John Kerry, John Edwards, Joe Kernan and Julia Carson.

If you plan on voting for the other side, just stay home. Your voice need not be heard this year.

Please, dear God, let freedom ring and justice prevail next week.

Voters Guide

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