The periodic definitive ranking

About once a year or so, I go through the index cards in my brain and re-rank and re-sort my list of favorite things. It’s in my obsessive-compulsive nature to always be evaluating and re-prioritizing the people, places and things in my life. It may not be healthy, but it’s one of my least harmful vices.

USA Today pioneered the usage of lists, along with colorful, pointless charts, and for that I salute them. I don’t have the budget to create pretty charts, so you’ll just have to imagine them and consider it the price you’re paying to read this column.

Best All-Time TV Shows

1. The Jerry Springer Show (syndicated)

2. Cops (Fox)

3. Curb Your Enthusiasm (HBO)

4. Married With Children (syndicated)

5. Bewitched (syndicated)

6. Dateline NBC: To Catch a Predator (NBC)

7. The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson (NBC)

8. The Knife Collector’s Show (Shop At Home)

9. Dark Angel (syndicated)

10. Larry King Live (CNN)


Toppings Subway should add to its sandwiches

1. M&Ms

2. Wood shavings

3. Sardines

4. Rabbit pellets

5. Instant coffee crystals

6. Bolts

7. Braunschweiger

8. Peeps

9. Lead paint

10. Kitten chips

Best All-Time Movies

1. The Godfather

2. Rashomon

3. Scarface

4. La Dolce Vita

5. Smokey and the Bandit II

6. Citizen Kane

7. Naked Gun 33 1/3

8. The Zapruder film

9. Lost in Translation

10. Pink Flamingos

Top Sex Symbols or Brands of Fishing Lures

1. Scarlett Johansson

2. The Slo-Poke Grubmaster

3. Jessica Alba

4. Musky Mugger Spinner Bait

5. Tyra Banks

6. Gamakatsu Texas Twister

7. Bass Garlic Scented Original Reaper Tails

8. Christina Aguilera

9. Halle Berry

10. Salty Dream Goby-Stik

Phrases Don Imus Could Have Gotten Away With

1. Sweaty

2. Attractive and successful

3. Taller than average

4. Doe-like

5. Chaste and pure

6. Athletic

7. Energetic

8. Pony-tailed

9. Cute

10. Goes hard to the boards

Best All-Time Presidents

1. Abraham Lincoln

2. Franklin Roosevelt

3. Bill Clinton

4. Lyndon B. Johnson

5. William Henry Harrison

6. Richard Nixon

7. Andrew Jackson

8. Al Gore

9. Dwight D. Eisenhower

10. Barack Obama

Greatest Soul Musicians or Kinds of Soul Food

1. James Brown

2. Grits ’n’ Gravy

3. Sly Stone

4. Ham hocks

5. Al Green

6. Prince

7. Lima beans

8. Collard Greens

9. George Clinton

10. Bootsy Collins

Best Albums of All Time

1. There’s A Riot Going On by Sly and the Family Stone

2. Live At The Apollo Vol. 3 by James Brown

3. The White Album by the Beatles

4. Black Power: Music of a Revolution by various artists

5. The Complete Hank Williams by Hank Williams Sr.

6. Willie and Family Live by Willie Nelson

7. Makaveli by Tupac Shakur

8. Ready to Die by the Notorious B.I.G.

9. Cowboys From Hell by Pantera

10. Oops ... I Did It Again by Britney Spears

Most Desperate Kinds of Poverty Food

1. Ramen

2. Aldi Macaroni and Cheese

3. Ketchup soup

4. Pickle burritos

5. Lawn clipping salad

6. Cold Pork ’n’ Beans in can

7. Dandruff

8. Mustard pie

9. Tuna and chocolate chips

10. McChicken Sandwich


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