INTERNATIONAL

Bush and Blair are the

Tweedledum and Tweedledee

of our history

after seeing the

tsunami news I need a

gin and tectonic

Kyrgystan protest

centers around having too

many consonants

Afghans outraged by

reports U.S. thinks Koran

is squeezably soft

Senate agrees to

pick Bolton if job title

will be "ambasshole"

election results

unclear: is it GerMany

or GerWomany?

Iran spews hatred

playing right into Bush's

Armageddon game

NATIONAL

President George Bush

is administered the oath

by Chief Darth Vader

Schiavo case creates

feeding tube flowing into

GOP coffers

Christian support for

Bush second term includes those

who speak in forked tongues

thousands of lives too

late panel finds that U.S.

intelligence sucks

DeLay believes that

judicial branch has fallen

too far from the tree

stalled nomination,

social security: Bush

gets taste of lame duck

conservative struck

at Butler with liberal

American pie

I don't care if you

do "support our troops" you still

drive like an asshole

Illinois will run

own stem cell research leaving

Bush blue in the face

Rudolph sentenced to

life playing in somebody

else's reindeer games

NRA cancels

Columbus visit taking

their Uzis straight home

energy bill has

created a brand new form

of fuel: pork fat

Boy Scouts consider

instituting new Merit

Badge for bad karma

Indiana priest

arrested for holding mass

in public bathroom

Pat Robertson's mouth

one of the seven signs of

the Apocalypse

what New Orleans needs

to clean after Katrina

is the Big Squeegee

only the Mother

of all Mothers could cut short

Bush's vacation

Katrina: noun used

to describe something worse than

initially thought

FEMA: Federal

Exercise in Making sure

friends are Advantaged

Sandy Berger fined

fifty thou for acting like

Winona Ryder

Rita arrives in

a tizzy; battle of the

diva hurricanes

DeLay indicted

on a felony charge as

the Hammer is nailed

only way to count

sum of GOP scandals

is with fuzzy math

overestimate

of storm evacuees leaves

the Red Cross red faced

senators declare

yes to Arctic Drilling, screw

you to caribou

five count indictment

suggests that Scooter may have

ad-libbyed too much

Hurricane Wilma

knocks Florida all the way

back to the Stone Age

Kansas wins design

battle while in Dover they're

caught chasing their tails

SCIENCE

discovery of

bird thought to be extinct gives

watchers a woody

Swedish researchers

discover gays are guided

by their fairymones

researchers find one

gene shifts sex preference and

makes fruit flies fruity

scientists in South

Korea clone dog making

a Rin Tin Tin Tin

two-thirds polled believe

Santa Claus is pregnant with

the Easter Bunny

an inhaled form of

insulin by Pfizer gives

Eli Lilly pfits

the intelligent

design advocates are just

pandering pandas

research shows Arctic

ice cap is shrinking to size

of a yamika

can we send the rains

of the northeast to the fires

of California?

three foot tall remains

raise questions about ancient

species of Mini-mes

BUSINESS

Guidant failure to

disclose defibrillator

flaw does seem heartless

Ebbers gets twenty

five years as yet another

tycoon faces doom

Sony BMG

clears payola suit with me

this haiku is free

Adidas absorbs

Reebok, turning biz into

a really big shoe

the Vioxx jury

awards victim's wife, wiping

the smirk off of Merck

Dennis Kozlowski

is sentenced to pissing gin

for fellow inmates

EEOC files

lawsuit against Fox News for

trashing the henhouse

Guidant sues Johnson

& Johnson Corporation

for breaking its heart

ENTERTAINMENT

proposed spending cuts

at PBS may require

that Big Bird be plucked

Pistons pummel poor

Pacers whose poise persisted

post-Palace pickle

runaway bride checks

herself in because she's a

girl interrupted

Pitt, Aniston split

cite irreconcilable

similarities

Palmeiro: a noun

used to describe a giant,

public-level lie

like any rapper

Martha's prison stint will bring

instant foyer cred

Britney Spears' bra nets

15 thou in auction think

what her thong would get

MEMORIAL

Sontag, lover of

metaphor, finds her demise

stunningly concrete

actor and singer

Jerry Orbach obeys the

only law that counts

Death of a Tales-man

playwright Arthur Miller is

dead at 89

like Mother T and

Lady Di in one week pass

Pope and Terry Schiavo

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