Hammer"s latest get-rich-quick scheme I was sitting in the drive-through lane at Rally"s the other day and listening to Dr. Laura when I hit upon a get-rich-quick scheme. If Dr. Laura could make millions by making fun of people, giving them bad advice and putting them down, why can"t I? I have to be at least as cruel and unfeeling as Dr. Laura. Why can"t I cash in, and maybe help myself in the process? With that thought in mind, I went on my Web site and solicited letters from the public. The following is my attempt to reach for the advice-column bucks. Dear Dr. Steve, For the past six months, my husband"s mother has been living with us. I"ve never had a good relationship with her but I promised my husband I would try to get along. Well, it didn"t take long for things to flare up. She"s always criticizing me. She doesn"t like the way I cook, she doesn"t like the way I clean, she doesn"t like anything I do. The other night, she even belittled me over the amount of sugar I was using to make my blackberry preserves. It took every ounce of restraint I had not to tell her to go you-know-where! My patience has been severely tested. I love my husband and I don"t want to hurt his feelings, but how do I tell him that I can"t stand living with that woman? Upset in Carmel Dear Upset, It sounds like your husband is trying to play each of you off the other. In such cases, the only thing you can do is exact some sort of revenge. When stakes are this high, severe measures are required. I suggest you begin seeing a man outside of your marriage. In your case, what is called for is a no-strings-attached sexual affair with a man unknown to your husband. To further hurt your husband, you should also give this man the other benefits that come from being married to you, such as your homemade blackberry preserves. You must be very careful in choosing your extramarital partner. Preferably, he should be a man in his late 30s with no romantic attachments and plenty of time to spend with you. From your writing, I can see you need a sensitive man, such as a newspaper columnist. Please send your name, address, telephone number and the best time to call c/o this newspaper. Dear Dr. Steve, I am concerned about my younger sister. She just turned 21 and she feels like she has to go out drinking and partying every night. The other night, she stayed out until 4 a.m. and came home smelling of liquor. I am also afraid that she is dating too many men; she seems to have a different boyfriend every time I talk to her. We come from a small town and my father is a prominent minister. I am afraid that this will reflect badly on my family. How do I tell her that I want her to stop this self-destructive behavior? Worried in Sheridan Dear Worried, You are right to be concerned about your sister. Such actions are indicative of deeper-seated troubles. But in order to be certain of this diagnosis, I need more information. How much does she drink? And what kind of liquor does she drink? In order to help your troubled sibling, she needs professional counseling from a person who"s an expert in dealing with wayward women. I have more than 20 years in the field and would be best able to meet her needs. Of course, therapy is a gradual process. Don"t be surprised if your sister"s behavior continues, or even increases, for quite some time after she begins seeking help. This is something to be expected and is quite natural. In order to begin helping your sister, please have her contact me c/o this newspaper. There is hope for her. Dear Dr. Steve, I am concerned that my financial adviser is taking advantage of me. I am a 75-year-old widow who is not very sophisticated when it comes to such matters. I can"t explain what it is, but I don"t trust the man. Already, he claims that the decline of the stock market has caused nearly $50,000 in losses. Now he wants me to help a man recover his family"s lost fortune in Nigeria. For the investment of just a few thousand dollars, he says that we will be able to make several million on the transaction. Additionally, he is always sending me bills for consulting fees and other services he claims he provides. I can"t make sense of it all. I lost several thousand dollars to the PTL Club in the early "80s and don"t want to be swindled again. Do I have reason to be worried, or should I just trust the man? Alarmed in Plainfield Dear Alarmed, You most certainly should be worried. Obviously, he"s hoping you won"t notice that he"s bleeding your bank account dry. You need to do something immediately. Your best course is to visit my Web site and purchase my pamphlet, "Fifteen Investment Strategies For the Gullible Widow." This informative publication, bargain priced at $149.95, will teach you all you need to know to invest your money. It shows you risk-free ways to invest your money, such as purchasing a big-screen TV for your favorite advice columnist and stocking his bar with top-shelf liquors. For further information, please have your granddaughter contact me c/o this newspaper.
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