Christians for a More Moral World announced a new initiative aimed at stemming what they call the "pernicious and pandemic self-pleasurization of many members of our society."
Hal Slanta, spokesperson for the CMMW, told an assembled throng of reporters that "This self-pleasurization threatens the very fabric of our societal quilt."
When asked if by "self-pleasurization" he meant masturbation, Slanta winced and nodded his head.
"You can call it that, of course, yes. Masturbation. There, I said it. Point being that masturbation is the enjoyment of one's own genitalia and thus an invitation and probably a moving sidewalk gateway to same-sex tendencies."
Slanta continued, "According to our findings, if someone masturbates, it imprints upon them, automatically, an attraction for the same gender. Why, think of all the homosexuals you know and we wager that to the very last one, they pleasured themselves as youth."
Slanta presented for reporters a manual created by the Christians for a More Moral World that they hope will be distributed in classrooms throughout the country. Entitled "Homo Nomo," it depicts, through colorful and entertaining design and illustration, a cartoon dog's complex passage through adolescence.
The manual stresses, Slanta said, "a pleasure-free adolescence. I mean, a pleasurization-free adolescence. How else can we stem the tide of rampant same-sex activities?"
Copies of "Homo Nomo" can be ordered at the CMMW Web site: www.mastur-abate.com.