[this article is satire] Staff Report A major garden-hose theft ring masterminded by Osama bin Laden has been broken up, according to the Office of Homeland Security. A record 350 garden hoses had been stolen in Marion County as of April of this year, according to the Indianapolis Police Department. This uptick in thievery led IPD to alert its Neighborhood Crime Watch groups to increase their vigilance, and the Justice Department kicked in a $2.5 million grant for night vision goggles, which the Crime Watch members were then trained to use by the FBI. After approximately one month of surveillance, a suspect was apprehended on the Northside after he tripped over a plaster gnome and fell into a backyard pond. Described by witnesses as “funny looking,” the man was hustled to the Brooklyn Detention Center. Per Justice Department regulations, recently upheld by a U.S. Appeals Court, the suspect’s identity has not been released. Questioned about the case at a news conference in Washington, Attorney General John Ashcroft refused to discuss the case, saying only that his office has evidence that the man is “an al Qaeda operative engaged in a plot to demoralize Americans by stealing their garden hoses, which are integral to the American way of life.”

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