Here at NUVO, we don't just write about nightlife; we make it ourselves. You see, we start with hundreds of heirloom party seeds, each of them with the potential to become the finest party the world will ever see. Growing them in our carbon-neutral, underground laboratory, we allow only the fittest to survive.
Sure, we feel bad having to destroy some of the weaker specimens — the Little House on the Prairie-themed break-dance symposium, the Ring cycle karaoke night, the Bring-Your-Daughter-To-Work-and-Dance! community outreach project, the Roomba drag race spectacular. But we allow for nothing less than perfection.
We humbly submit to you that Friday's NLG! Nightlife CityGuide Launch Party and DJ Showcase at TRU Nightclub is a party made better, faster, stronger; the kind of party you want to be with, a party designed for maximum satisfaction.
We invited some of our finest local DJs to play the main stage — multi-tasking husband-and-wife team A Squared Industries; dirty crunk maestro OhBeOne; ageless, tireless entrepreneur Indiana Jones; funky brothers-in-crime Twin Peaks; the eclectic and suave Action Jackson; Oranje mastermind Helicon; electronic scribe Jackola; G-9 rep Matt Allen.
But this party wanted more; this party was designed for excess. So we asked additional local talent — Stylistic, Uzo, Jamestown and Kodama — to hold it down in the Blend lounge, for there can be no stopping the beats; this party must have total beat saturation, on every floor, in every corner.
And then our party — now sentient, working of its own accord, calling its own shots — said to us that partygoers should not have to pay too much to do what they were meant to do, to fulfill their destiny to party. So our party found a dentist - Kolman Dental - to share the costs, and then decreed: you shall pay $5 for advance tickets and $7 at the door.
And lo it was good. And lo it will start at 9 p.m., with doors opening at 8 p.m. And lo you ought to be there, else the party, disappointed, may very well destroy us all.