Ö you know where Osama is. Ö you try to keep your mind off it. Ö you feel you have to act normal when others ponder his whereabouts. Ö you tinker with explosives. Ö you wonder where you could play with them. Ö you find a secret place. Ö you take umbrage at George Senior"s pronunciation of Saddam"s name. Ö you admire Saddam"s stick-to-it-iv-ness. Ö you send him a friendship card. Ö you can"t sleep on Jewish holidays. Ö you get red in the face when you pass a synagogue. Ö you try to tip yarmulkes off Hassidic lads" heads. Ö you date a woman whose body you"ve never seen. Ö you prefer only to see her hooded eyes. Ö you can"t get it on unless she"s fully covered. Ö tabouli turns you on. Ö bat-meat and warm beer begs a party. Ö you"re finding more and more to eat in caves. Ö you find yourself shopping for fuses. Ö you soak your dishrags in gasoline. Ö you hollow out the heels of your shoes. Ö you can"t get the dirt out of your clothes. Ö your clothes smoke. Ö you can"t really call what you wear "clothing." Ö you find you have a new fondness for North Korea. Ö you seek a pen pal over there Ö preferably a physicist. Ö you invite him to come see your basement. Ö you really don"t want people to know how to contact you. Ö birthday cards and letters from home come in code. Ö you spend more time in the back of a cargo van than anywhere else. Ö anger management is a foreign phrase to you. Ö love your neighbor is an alien concept. Ö the "golden rule" doesn"t make a lick of sense. Ö tragedy amuses you. Ö comedy irks you to no end. Ö when it comes to a sense of humor, you"re clueless.

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