Tuesday night, I joined Niki, our cat, and Tango, our dog, on the couch to watch the election results tally up on the bottom of the television screen.,. Knowing that my vote was one of the anonymous thousands, hopefully being counted by honest non-Floridians, the thought occurred to me to inquire how my canine and feline friends would have cast their votes had they been given the opportunity. Though in many states, mammals in various forms of evolution are allowed to vote, Indiana carries on the proud tradition of limiting the electorate to human beings. However, considering the fact that my dogs and cats are more intelligent than many of the people given the privilege of voting (any creature that successfully carves out a life around sixteen hour naps and chewing on tennis balls has to have something figured out), I valued their opinion.
As the votes were rolling in, I asked them what they thought of the McVey/Carson race. "Well," Niki said, settling into the blanket. "McVey certainly seems to have a deep seated anger against Carson. I"m not sure where this comes from, but if I had my guess, it probably goes back a few years. I think Julia voted Brose out of a Starfleet command, and this is his way of expressing his displeasure. I"m sure he had dreams of commanding his own battle fleet in an epic confrontation against the Klingons. I"m talking about the original series. Now he"s stuck leading missions to previously explored planets inhabited only by prehistoric trilobites. Wouldn"t you be frustrated with that?" She yawned and went back to sleep. I was momentarily stunned by the cat"s analysis, and aghast that she had absorbed that much human cultural byproduct. However, though the thought process was somewhat convoluted, she presented an accurate analogy. The general line of reasoning was sound, and knowing that cats live to quietly confound humans, I realized she had phrased it in an elaborate metaphor. Maybe. "If you ask me," Tango eagerly offered, "I think I would want to chase McVey around the back yard to see if I could loosen up his self induced anal blockage. Then I"d lick his face to see if he knows how to smile." "Ok ok," I said, trying to get a word in. Once a dog starts to express herself, it"s difficult to calm her down. I had to admit, the idea of a medium sized hound dog mutt chasing Brose McVey around my yard had merit. Maybe Carl Brizzi could referee. "Anyway, what about Carson. Certainly you have an opinion about her." Nike opened an eye and said, "Every time I heard her in an ad, I couldn"t help but think she needed a nap." "Oh sure," Tango started, "It"s like, I saw her in her ads, then in McVey"s ads, then her ads, then McVey"s and she always seemed to be half asleep. Or half awake, or half asleep. Half awake, half asleep. Half, half. I"d like to chase her around the back yard and lick her face." "Come on, honestly. What about the issues? That"s what matters. What they did, what they"re going to do. A person is more than what they can fit into a fifteen second blurb. These people have accomplished deeds in the past that have brought them to the point of wanting to represent us in front of the country. If you agree or disagree with what they"ve done, that"s what you base your vote on. That"s what counts." "Dave, let me tell you," Niki said, stretching, rolling over on her back. "It"s all about image man, all about image." I looked at Tango, knowing that, being a dog, she would want to get the final word in. "Sure, image, that"s all. I"m like most people. See, I watch TV and read the paper. But, I just want a place to sleep, food to eat and something stinky to roll in every once in awhile." And with that, we settled back to learn how it all turned out. One cat, one dog and one human being, like millions of others, waiting to see what we"ve done to ourselves this time.