That big brother message Employee drug tests: don"t need "em but can"t bully without "em. Yes, even though 95 percent of employee drug tests come back negative, employers continue to give job applicants urine tests - what better way to intrude on employee privacy and send that Big Brother message? "Yep," admits local CEO Brent Haze, "it"s really just a power thing. Our company"s way of saying, "If you work for us, you"re our bitch." Heh-heh. I mean, given all the important meetings we executives have to sit through - well, sometimes it helps if you"re stoned! Just kidding."
The problem with traditional testing, though, is that it can take three to four days to get results back. High-powered applicants can often find other jobs during that time - no matter how loaded they may happen to be. So an Indianapolis company has come up with a cool new testing device: DruGbust. DruGbust is a gizmo that looks like a coffee can with wires sticking out from all sides. Where the wires go, no one really knows - and that"s DruGbust"s secret. "They don"t go anywhere," says inventor Daryl Legalizit. "And it is a coffee can - you can tell by the noise it makes when you pee into it. But this is why it"s so effective for drug testing. All the job applicant has to do is go in the bathroom with DruGbust, take a whiz and hand it over. Results are not only immediate - they"re negative every time!" Employers love DruGbust because it allows them to lean heavily on their new applicants without that occasional, embarrassing, positive test result. "We"ve never known how to handle those," says a human resources expert. "Just ignoring them is one option. But that"s always seemed counter-intuitive, so we call the cops."