Political pollsters throughout Iraq are scratching their heads after the stunning 100 percent landslide ballot victory making George W. Bush Iraq"s new "president for life." Most surprising is the fact that to the best of anyone"s knowledge, Bush"s name was not anywhere on the ballot. Problems with the voting process were first reported in Iraq"s southern-most province, Floridistan, where Gov. Jeb Hussein (Saddam"s brother) called for a recount when it was reported that all of the votes cast for Saddam had been removed from paper ballot boxes and replaced with thousands of labels that had been removed from cans of Bush"s baked beans. The confusion eventually spread throughout the country until every ballot box in every polling station reported the same mysterious problem: labels from cans of Bush"s original; Bush"s BBQ flavor; Bush"s Fiesta; and Bush"s Beanie Weinie - by the millions - protruding from the boxes. The White House was quick to respond, saying that what had transpired was obviously the will of the Iraqi people, or it must have been a "miracle from God," and that (in either case) there had been no sort of vote tampering by covert CIA operatives masquerading as veiled Iraqi women voters; so there would therefore be no reason for either the U.S. Congress or the Iraqi Parliament to bother investigating. "The Iraqi people have spoken," said President Bush at a press conference called to discuss the situation. "I will go before Congress and request that our great nation adopt the same voting procedures as those which brought me into the palaces of Baghdad - only my name on the ballot. That"s the real meaning of democracy." When questioned by media representatives about the reports that millions of label-less cans of baked beans had been found aboard U.S. Navy ships anchored in the Persian Gulf, Bush responded. "What"s the big deal??? You"ve never heard of navy beans?"

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