The Dos and Don"ts of Breaking Up
Today I"d like to address the serious and delicate issue of breaking up. Unlike other bachelor tips that have appeared in this publication, this advice applies equally to men and women, bachelors and bachelorettes. So, if you can get that horrible Neil Sedaka song out of your head, here goes:
1. Go ahead and start drinking heavily. Sure, a lot of so-called "experts" will say that alcohol is a depressant, but they"re wrong. People don"t shout, "Bummer!" when they lift a pint together, they say, "Cheers!" Booze can provide a wonderful sense of distraction from your worries, and act as an important sleep aid. A bad break-up can be a good time to expand your drinking horizons, trying new cocktails, wines, imported beers, etc.
2. Discover a new hobby. While heavy drinking is enough of a hobby for many people, you may have extra time to pursue new adventures and activities. How about archery? Floral design? Maybe you"ve always been interested in lawn mower repair. Follow your dreams!
3. Change your religion. If you"re Jewish, start attending your local mosque. If you"re Catholic, go Buddhist. If you"re an atheist, your options are practically endless! It"s doubtful that you will find any real comfort in switching religions, but it will be one more new thing to keep you occupied.
4. Internet pornography. Talk about getting your mind off your problems! A whole world of twisted, sick people exists out there in cyberspace. Maybe a local Internet swingers group is right for you. Animal lovers may also be surprised at the "alternative lifestyles" that can be found on the net.
1. Do not stalk the person who has broken up with you; this is extremely uncool. Also, it is much harder to meet new people when you"re busy stalking your ex-lover.
2. Do not blow your brains out. I have a lady friend whose ex-boyfriend actually killed himself over the ending of their relationship (on their "anniversary," no less!). If you really want to "end it all," I suggest at least trying one or two half-hearted suicide attempts first. A minor drug and alcohol overdose can actually be kind of fun - just don"t choke on that vomit!
3. Do not jump immediately into a "rebound" relationship. Chances are, that relationship will also end badly. In the meantime, consider purchasing a vibrator, a blow-up doll or a prostitute.
4. Do not whine to your friends about how miserable you are. Nobody likes a whiner. If you absolutely feel the need to talk about these problems, choose the friend you like the least.
Romance, right or wrong, you gotta love it. From Cheese Manor, this is the always amorous Harry Cheese.
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