New Delhi, India; December, 2004. Several government agencies, along with Parliament and private groups, have demanded that Coca-Cola and Pepsi feature warning labels that inform users of the potential harm that comes from drinking soda pop. This measure was proposed when research groups found high levels of pesticides in the pop. The following are suggested options for warning labels as proposed by a joint, Coca-Cola/Pepsi marketing team.

Warning: This drink contains nothing nutritious, suppresses appetite and may contribute to tooth decay, along with containing enough poison to kill any parasite in your alimentary canal.

Warning: The drink you hold in your hand delivers a bouquet of succulent flavors, but nothing’s perfect; there may be toxins in the fluid that may have been safely neutralized by the acidic nature of pop.

Warning: You may need to weigh for yourself the negative of possible toxins in this drink with the positives of being a beloved member of the larger family of humankind.

Warning: Pesticides are bad but not as bad as nuclear waste. Bhopal this ain’t, pal.

Warning: Life is full of danger.

Warning: Life is full of danger so live it up.

Warning: WWAD? What Would Apu Do? He’d sell it so Just Drink It!

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