The future of the Oscars without writers


It's a shame that the writers’ strike was settled before the Academy Awards. It could have been just as short but more entertaining than the Golden Globes. Johnny Carson once referred to the Oscars as two hours of excitement spread out over a four-hour evening. NUVO recently received the shooting script for the broadcast before the writers settled.

8 p.m.

Host Jon Stewart comes out and just does his own (not written) punch lines. "Norbit. Chuck & Larry & Sen. Larry Craig. Miss South Carolina. Epic Movie. Jami Lynn Spears in Juno 2. Larry The Cable Guy. George Bush."

8:03 p.m.

Speaking of which, instead of the president of the academy or the Motion Picture Association of America, Miss South Carolina comes out to talk about the importance of cinema. "I truly believe that U.S. movie films are important because there aren't any movie film theaters in South Africa and The Iraq and whatnot ..."

8:05 p.m.

Stewart strangles himself with his own tie. He's replaced by new co-host Stephen Colbert, who chews out the audience for being from "The Left Coast," despite California's history with Nixon, Reagan and its current governor.

8:08 p.m.

The technical awards are handed out by the "Leave Britney Alone" guy and "Don't Taser Me, Bro" guy. Staunch supporters of the writers now beg George Clooney and Angelina Jolie to cross the picket line.

8:15 p.m.

Cate Blanchett wins Best Supporting Actress for her performance as Bob Dylan in I'm Not There. The arm-candy model that hands out the awards is also played by Blanchett.

8:20 p.m.

Norbit wins the Oscar for Best Make Up. The Razzie Awards office blows up. Makeup director Rick Baker accepts the award. He pulls off what was a latex mask, revealing it's actually Eddie Murphy. He screams that he "deserves this," makes unprintable comments about last year's Supporting Actor winner Alan Arkin and announces that Norbit 2: We Haven't Offended Gays and Jews Yet is in production.

8:25 p.m.

Director/choreographer Debbie Allen's interpretive dance tribute to Gaffers and Best Boys is cancelled and replaced by the two singers from Once (who win Best Song because it's the only one people remember) who slap her with a giant flounder.

8:30 p.m.

No matter who wins Best Documentary Feature, the award will be picked up by Michael Moore, who drags a giant blue cross and tells America to get sick in Luxembourg.

8:35 p.m.

Because movie clips are an issue in the writers’ strike, this year's death montage is replaced by a coffin wheeled out on stage with a list of all the departed attached.

8:40 p.m.

The academy decides to add to the pissing match with the writers and cancel the screenplay nominations. Screenplay presenters Dane Cook and Paris Hilton are more dumbfounded than usual.

8:45 p.m.

Best Animated Feature goes to ... well, it doesn't matter because cartoons will never get full respect no matter how Pixar or European they can be.

8:50 p.m.

Sixty-six year old Julie Christie wins Best Actress for Away From Her. The quiet and proper English lady tells all actresses under the age of 30 to "suck it" and "let's see you look this good when you're my age." Of course, with her British accent, it sounds much nicer.

8:55 p.m.

Daniel Day-Lewis wins Best Actor for his badass performance in There Will Be Blood. The award is presented to him by Javier Bardem, who won Best Supporting Actor for his badass performance in No Country For Old Men. Both team up and beat Dane Cook to death with their movie weapons of choice. Eighty-something Hal Holbrook, also up for Best Supporting Actor, joins in the beating, adding he could have had better chemistry with Jessica Alba in Good Luck Chuck.

8:58 p.m.

Best Picture goes to No Country For Old Men, presented to them by Martin Scorsese. The Coen Brothers also win for Best Director. Scorsese and the Coens discuss how many of these awards they should have actually won and can you believe whom they all lost to? The English Patient? Dances With Wolves? Ordinary People? Christ.

9 p.m.

See you next year, unless the actors piss and moan about wanting a new contract.


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