J. Williams

The year got off to a slow start for Rocky. He spent most of January and February reading bleak Russian literature, watching bleak European DVDs and sipping espresso.

March found Rocky playing a prank on his insufferable housemate J by driving him out to the Haunted Bridge in Avon. Ikey the Cat came along, disappeared and then frightened J by making scary ghost noises.

The great feline hit his stride in April when he began work on his opus, Tractatus Felinesophicus. Also, Ikey announced that he is gay.

In May, Rocky was diagnosed with diabetes and began giving himself insulin shots. Theodore, the fascist bartender at Picasso's: An Urban Bistro, told Rocky that his illness was God's revenge on Rocky for having a gay best friend and for being a leftist cat-radical.

Hector's longtime lover Angelique died of consumption in June. On her deathbed she revealed her love for Rocky, which caused the tempers of Hector and of Rocky's ladyfriend Evangelina to flare.

Rocky added the word "uggo" (a cross between sadness and disappointment; or a frowning-emoticon put into a word; or perhaps just a word that expresses a cat's inescapable tragic fate in this world) to the English lexicon in July. He also flew to Rome for the final editing of his book Feline, All Too Feline.

Rocky was kidnapped off the streets of Rome by CIA agents in August. He was then tortured by American interrogators aboard a ship, whence he was rescued by the Feline Front.

Hurricane-ravaged New Orleans was Rocky's destination in September. He and Ikey stumbled upon a group of business leaders plotting an economically- and ethnically-cleansed future for the town, and defeated them in a fistfight. Rocky, Ikey and Brooklyn Ivan then encountered a drunken, rambling George W. Bush and pissed on him.

In October, Rocky and Evangelina matched wits with the junta spy Sinistrella, and Evangelina received a National Security Letter regarding Rocky.

November found Rocky and Evangelina on the road. First stop: the Grand Canyon, where a fundamentalist federal tour guide ascribed the formation of the canyon to the hand of God.

L.A. was the scene of a verbal confrontation between Rocky and the foul-mouthed Triumph the Insult Comic Dog in December. As expected, Rocky trounced the witless hand-puppet.


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