[this is satire] According to recent allegations, high school athletes wooed by the University of Colorado were titillated with parties replete with alcohol and fetching, undergraduate females. This recent upheaval has motivated local authorities to determine if unsavory recruiting tactics are being used here in Indiana. Our reporters unearthed a number of questionable activities going on right here in the Indianapolis area. Indiana Junior College of Accountants (ICA): Highly-touted high school students from around the state are customarily contacted by this well-regarded junior college. Our investigators uncovered a number of allegations, including one student who says he was invited to a party where participants were engaged in a board game called Statistics, Squared, and that “actual dancing” broke out at one point when They Might Be Giants’ “Particle Man” was put on the stereo. Even more salacious is the fact that another recruit, who declined to be identified, was given a calculator as the party broke up at 10 p.m. Institute for Terrible Twos (ITT): At this accredited facility, parents can drop off their 2-year-old children to be watched by trained personnel. Stressing that it’s “more than a daycare,” ITT spokespeople stress that their rubber room environs “make a cozy place of the high-spirited child.” One 2-year-old has come forth to local law enforcement to say that at a recruitment party last year “me poopied.” Investigators are trying to determine if this incident is part of the national — and local — trends. Hoosier College of Feigned Disinterest (HSFD): Graduates of this intensive, two-year program emerge with such talents as a refined scowl, a nonchalant shrug and a consummate “thousand-mile stare.” These abilities enable graduates “not so much to get a job, but to survive the one they get,” according to an HSFD brochure. One recent graduate of the school admitted that he was recruited by the college and lured to a party where he was “completely ignored” by its constituents. The experience, he recalls, was “so disturbing, I found myself on my knees, begging to be allowed into the school. It was humiliating.” When pressed for further details the graduate said, “Whatever,” and sauntered away. University of Unfathomable Despair (UUD): Here, matriculants dig deep into the bowels of existential hopelessness. Degrees include a BA in Knee-jerk Knee-hilism, a BS in Bullshit, and a Masters in Eeyorian Degradation. One would-be student claims he was invited to a recruitment party that turned out to not exist.