[this story is satire] The city’s contract talks with the union representing the members of the Indianapolis Police Department heated up last week, with new demands but also concessions from both sides.

On Monday, police demanded a 93.6 percent pay raise, and offered as a goodwill gesture a 14 percent reduction in reckless driving, a 32 percent reduction in shootings of civilians and a 3 percent reduction in generalized harassment of blacks and Latinos.

The mayor countered with an offer of a 0.0000000000000012 percent pay raise, and offered to let police call him Your Majesty instead of Your Royal Highness.

Talks were suspended Tuesday and Wednesday. On Thursday, the mayor increased his pay raise offer to 0.0000000000000013 percent, said the police could address him as King Bart I instead of Your Majesty, but called for a replacement of the officer’s health plan with a tool kit consisting of generic bacitracin, tiny pinky-finger bandages and a good luck charm.

This infuriated the police union, which then demanded a 17,000 percent pay increase, but then, as the day went on and the donut buzz at the negotiating table wore off and everyone became a bit more mellow, the union offered a 2 percent reduction in harassment of poor people driving clunkers and promised also to investigate fully and perhaps incorporate into their work the concept of “probable cause.”

Friday’s negotiations were cancelled, much to the relief of the public.

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